Chinese Phrases - Greetings
The only problem is that many abroad, particularly in Singapore do not believe that this is true! But so what if that happens? We also have pdf study guide to go with each lesson. We swap e-mails a few times a year.
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I hope people dont just judge us based on apperance. When he met his date who he had befriended online who he dubbed Facebook Guy for the first time, he wrote:. Even a well-intentioned friend will be subjective, and may be tempted to meddle if you do not move as fast as she would. Thank you so much for your patience and regard! Some views reflect a traditional notion of gender roles. I am a Chinese guy who currently living in America. Casual dating with foreign girls is just not common in China, on top of that, i think basic communication can be another issue, how many foreign girls can speak fluent chinese and how many chinese men can speak fluent english in china?
Young persons are exposed to many in their high schools or secondary schools or college or universities. People over thirty, lacking the recency of a college experience, have better luck online finding partners. While people tend to date others close to their own age, it's possible for older men to date younger women.
In many countries, the older-man-younger-woman arrangement is seen as permissible, sometimes with benefits. It's looked on more positively in the U. Research shows that successful men are, on average, older than their spouses by 12 years; exceptional men, by 17 years; and Nobel laureates, well, they can be 54 years older than their mates.
Why date now when your ideal wives are still in kindergarten! A notable example of the older-woman-younger-man is Demi Moore pairing with years-her-junior Ashton Kutcher. Older women in such relations have recently been described as "cougars", and formerly such relationships were often kept secret or discreet, but there is a report that such relationships are becoming more accepted and increasing.
Since divorce is increasing in many areas, sometimes celebrated with " divorce parties ",  there is dating advice for the freshly divorced as well, which includes not talking about your ex or your divorce, but focusing on "activities that bring joy to your life.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. This article is about the form of courtship. For other uses, see Dating disambiguation. For other uses, see Double date disambiguation.
Cicisbeo Concubinage Courtesan Mistress. Breakup Separation Annulment Divorce Widowhood. Archived from the original on Forbidding experimental and serial courtship and sanctioning only arranged matches is partly a means of guarding the chastity of young people and partly a matter of furthering family interests The Neurological Origins of Individuality, 2nd edition".
Gender and Agency in the Web-based Personals". Electronic Journal of Sociology. No Dating, No Relationships". The New York Times.
What our grandmothers told us about playing hard to get is true. Internet dating on the rise". Jacobson February 7, More than 60 years later, would that special girl remember me? After the movie, Finney and I took Helen home to her mother, The problem with most dating rules, They make a game and a chore out of something that should be natural and fun and overwhelming. If you are rejected or ignored, remember that it is not about you. Don't focus on one person Using the Internet as a means of connecting to others.
Online or off, couples still have to click". New Berkeley research shows that online daters like each other more before they actually meet in person—it's that first face-to-face where things slide downhill, and average daters report disappointment across the board, let down on everything from looks to personality.
From traditional to cutting-edge, Carlene Thomas-Bailey introduces a handful of ways to meet your match". Blind dates, classified ads, dating websites, hobbies, holidays, office romance, social networking, speed dating In fact, the smarter you are, the more clueless you will be, and the more problems you're going to have in your dating life.
Here were smart, funny, good-looking guys surrounded by single women who were dying to be asked out — and not a whole lot was happening. Lee February 2, Keep it simple by going for coffee or after-work drinks.
A new book postulates that women who go through 34 dates should find true love around number To believe love is just a numbers game would leave the bravest of us questioning, why even play? Disappointment can create discouragement affecting other areas of our lives. Too many one-off dates that go nowhere can leave the best of us ready to hang up the little black dress in exchange for a pair of pjs and a pint of you know what.
First of all, my recommendation is to be ready and to be authentic. The most appealing kind of email to send is friendly, funny and flattering, Don't write a tome or reveal too much, and don't suggest meeting up right away. There is, however, an unwritten rule in the internet dating world that it is acceptable to ignore mail from people who don't interest you.
A no-reply policy is often the result of experience. Donovan says he has collected information on more than businesses worldwide that offer dating coach services -- with almost of those operating in the U.
Americans who are seeking romance use the internet to help them in their search, but there is still widespread public concern about the safety of online dating". The copulatory gaze, looking lengthily at a new possible partner, Most internet users who are married or in committed relationships met each other offline.
A majority of relationship-seeking singles say it is difficult to meet people where they live. People who met 20, 25 or 30 years ago were more likely to mention co-workers," he says, and people who met in the past 10 years "were less likely to mention co-workers. The people you interact with most are your coworkers, but office dating is far from ideal. A bad date will lead to workplace awkwardness, at the very least. Online Dating by the Numbers".
In the world of online dating, women seek a partner of their age or older who has a high-paying job or has money. And he must be well-educated. The problem is that men usually have one universal definition of what is attractive and you need to fit that in order to be considered hot , far more than women do, A study by psychology researchers Smith February 8, Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman excerpts ".
Or as Bill Maher more crudely but usefully summed it up Men want women to shut up. Retrieved February 29, How to recognize the good from the bad and move on". I find the majority of time, it's because of a fear of intimacy," said relationship therapist Laura Berman.
For many of us, the requisite vulnerability and exposure that comes from being really intimate with someone in a committed sense is kind of threatening.
I knew it even before the publication of "The Rules," a dating bible that encouraged women to return to prefeminist mind games by playing hard to get The Rules centres on the premise that "men are born to respond to challenge. Take away challenge and their interest wanes", and thus followers are instructed to suppress their natural instincts and continue as follows: Instead, he seemed to assume it was because I was busy, popular, and had better things to do.
Which seemed to make him keener. When we went on dates, I would always be the one to leave. To my astonishment, he often took that as a cue to ask me out again. Today, women have gone back to hunting their quarry — in person and in cyberspace — with elaborate schemes designed to allow the deluded creatures to think they are the hunters. Copage June 6, Centers for Disease Control. Dating violence is a type of intimate partner violence Lutz told the boys that among high school girls surveyed from the ages of 14 to 18, about 20 percent reported that they had been hit, slapped, shoved or forced into sexual activity by a dating partner.
Wikipedia tells us that domestic violence To begin with, it is important that someone knows where you are. Can apps and algorithms lead to true love?
Yet some researchers say dating companies' matchmaking algorithms are no better than Chance for providing suitable partners. At the same time, critics worry that the abundance of prospective dates available online is undermining relationships Courtship may be completely left out in case of arranged marriages where the couple doesn't meet before the wedding. There are four types of marriage among the Nyangatom marriage by arrangement, by the couple's mutual consent by abduction and by inheritance.
Most Chinese university women can agree on one thing: The Internet QQ chat room is challenging traditional dating agencies It boasts 23 million registered users As China's expatriate population grows, many foreign women looking for love are saying this is the wrong place to meet Mr Right.
Every year as Singles' Day approaches, thousands of college students and young working people post messages November 11 has gradually become China's Singles' Day Sex harmful to middle schoolers".
Sex among middle school students may be contributing to growing sterility problems among young women in Guangzhou, Forty-year-old migrant worker Li Hai thought his chance to get-rich-quick had arrived when he saw the tabloid advertisement: Archived from the original on 2 August Until recently, Indian marriages Patel still believes arranged marriages are a good idea: He entered into an unhappy arranged marriage with a Parsi widow with two children.
Eventually, I would agree to an arranged marriage with a man I would never love. But forever I would remember that afternoon at the canal and the possibility of love. A Memoir with Recipes by Shoba Narayan". This custom is not about to vanish any time soon, Dating websites choose whether to accept or reject potential users based on the preliminary information provided.
In doing so, a safer online community is supposedly created. Archived from the original on 22 January Academy of Korean Studies. There is a whole generation of children of the 70s — like me — who never had any useful dating advice from our liberated mums beyond My self-esteem was on the floor and I had no idea what to do about it: Can newly-single and clumsy-with-women Henry Castiglione master the fine art of flirting in one weekend?
I needed to learn some new moves, so I signed up for a weekend flirting course. In the United Kingdom, a poll of 3, engaged or married couples resulted in an average duration between first meeting and accepted proposal of marriage of 2 years and 11 months, This we havent agreed upon!
Freunde, Bar, Arbeit — und Internet". Retrieved 24 May A Muslim cleric runs Iran's first officially sanctioned internet dating agency". Archived from the original on 26 November A 'Stray Bullet' lands in Cairo". I also learned of the third-date rule — the most central and widely recognised of all dating rules — which decrees that there should be no sex until the third date,..
Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman book excerpt ". The New York Times: Now the Thinking Gal's Subject: The writer Emily Witt in the woods near her family's home in rural New Hampshire, where she often retreats to write". Retrieved August 29, At 30, the writer Emily Witt found herself single and heartbroken The effects of sexual timing on marriage relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 24 6 , The western practice of dating is clearly out, and according to Islamic tradition, a Muslim can only marry another Muslim For me, the main difference between Brazilians and Americans is that you are less dependent when it comes to family.
Kenrick June 9, A few puzzles about homosexuality, some still unsolved". Hannah Pool was a matchmaking cynic — until she was set up with her current partner four years ago. So what advice does she have for potential matchmakers? The most important rule is to make sure the people involved actually want to be set up; Match brains as well as beauty, and don't forget about religious and political views.
Sure, opposites sometimes attract but more often than not they repel. Meeting through friends was also commonly cited by those in the National Health and Social Life Survey, co-directed by sociologist Edward Laumann of the University of Chicago. That survey questioned 3, adults ages 18 to Even parents approve, because young people get to know each other — without physical contact!
Parents get to check the details important to them and the couple can connect at many levels. While parents and family members post the resumes of a prospective bride or groom, Hardest thing I ever did. I think Chinese men, not ethnically Chinese, but as actually from China are disgusting. They are rude, smell bad, treat women like shit, and are usually uneducated and stupid. To think that one whole nation is bad is a symptom of brainwashing.
Pookie is just a jelly white loser who dated an Asian girl with citizenship offer. I think Chinese culture is more racist than most realize. Since men are generally more invested in the privileges accorded them by that culture, they are less likely to want a woman from another culture, especially one that may threaten Chinese cultural norms.
You see this pattern in Japan or in Taiwan; yet, men in those countries will fairly often marry foreign women, but ones from lower status in other lower status Asian countries. Japanese men with poor Vietnamese wives, etc. And yes it is true that there are far more Chinese women with foreign men, but a great many of those couples break up, and sad to say, a good many of those marriages are based on the woman cheating the man so she can get a visa to live in Europe or America definitiely not Vietnam.
I think the cultural barriers and negative stereotype is the biggest hurdles within a relationship. Traditional Chinese by cultural instinct tend to be conservative, not just in relationship but in every part of their social life. If you look at Chinese people and how they are brought up, then you would understand how this psychological dynamic works, it is quite fascinating from both psychological and cultural anthropology point of view.
But most people with any sort of mental capacity would know that these thinkings are not always true, and sometimes outright wrong. However, since most Chinese people are brought like that, and most of their reference groups are also Chinese people with similar upbringing, therefore chinese people tend accept these myths as the law of the land.
The second problem, which is that Chinese people marry not just for the sake of marrying. Also, divorces are seen as a big no no in China, despite the fact that it is increasing in the major chinese cities each year. And most Chinese people have this false notion that people in the western societies have a higher divorce rate.
Lastly, Chinese have a mentality that most westerners women are a nymphet, probably from all the stories they heard from the so called trustworthy source, which is further reinforced by some strange news media reports. While, from a pure genetic and physiological point of view this is true; as the Chinese people tend to have less exercise when they are young nerds anyone and people with the brain not the brawn tend to be more successful at finding mates, which feeds back onto itself to create the ultimate geek.
Furthermore, those Chinese people whom tend to migrate overseas are not the hard labourers, but people with certain degrees of education, which almost all Chinese aspire to as the ultimate form of life achievement. So basically nerds breed nerds…. So for those Chinese men whom are brave enough to go against their upbringings and date a western women, heavy odds are stacked against them. Also, the fact that unless the lady has significant Chinese cultural and language skills, there will be a large communication barrier.
While, for those Chinese man whom dates and marry a western women, then like in most relationships they will have arguments about certain things. Then there is a matter of sex, which brings up further point of conflicts. As they say no relationship is ever lasting, and it will only last as long as you want it to last.
Also, most westerners tend to be quite straight forward in their criticism, and most Chinese men are bad at taking criticisms. However, not all is lost, as more ABC Chinese kids are dating and marrying western girls. These relationship is usually more stable, as ABC Chinese kids have probably grown up in the western society, can speak English and are not that overtly negative about whom their children dates, as long as they are not some druggies, criminal or other undesirables.
But, there are only two kinds of men regardless of being under Western, or Eastern Tradition. My impression of the first being manly in manner of speech, not-so-cool, uncivilized, and always following the rules just like why they are from a nation that joined The Plain Language Organization.
The second being outgoing, effeminate, civilized, very expressive, and more open. There is no compromise. I checked it out of the library and returned it halfway in. That image pervades society and it affects us daily. I have lots of friends who admit they feel sheepish or intimidated around non-Asian girls, and all their wit and charm fly out the window.
Hopefully we all start lightening up. We feel it regularly here ourselves, in microaggressive actions towards my husband. For example, when he came back to his grad student office which he shares , the other students had moved his desk behind the door — without asking his permission — to give his most coveted window spot to another girl. Most foreign women who come to China have at least a BA, whereas until recently it was rare for Chinese people to get a higher education.
In China, just like in the US, guys feel awkward about dating a woman who has a higher educational level than they do. That was something that kept me apart from a man for a long time but we are going to try to get over that. However, because more and more young people coming to China to study, and more and more Chinese people going to the US to study, I think more young people will get a chance to meet and fall in love in a natural way.
More Chinese men than before are going to college, and Chinese salaries seem to be rising relative to expat ones. Problem 4 still remains, I guess, but I hope over time, people will become less prejudiced. I mean, there are more than half a billion men in China. Is it so hard to believe that some of them would be cool?
Your experience as an American white woman in China, reminded me of my own experiences as a Japanese woman in her own country, Japan. They have a very similar family values in Japan, although I understand that the importance of family is emphasized more in China, as in Japan they often put their company they work for, or government first before family. Much happiness to you and your husband, as well as his family who were able to see beyond the cultural and racial difference.
Jocelyn, excellent post and MUCH appreciated. You might also want to check out Marguerite Duras, who wrote two very sensual books on the coupling between an Asian man and a young French woman.
The stares and comments were, at times, rather unbearable and my ex-fiance even managed to find himself in a brawl with a few Beijing officials after they made several rude comments about us while we were attempting to eat dinner in peace. The expectations of his family further complicated matters, as did his own feelings of inadequacy and the silly power struggles we had between us.
As we currently live in NYC, we very rarely encounter strange looks or comments- interracial relationships of all kinds are pretty commonplace here. Furthermore, he has been living in the US for the better part of his life and we thus share the same culture, language, etc.
That stated, we recently took a trip to China together and encountered a multitude of problems nearly every day because of race- from a hostess at a restaurant assuming that I was a Russian prostitute simply because I was with a tall Asian man to being bombarded with questions by strangers on a 30 hour train ride to dealing with random comments about what our kids might look like. From personal experience, they have been better conversationalists, more values-oriented, romantic and logical.
I guess this is stereotyping just as some white guys assume that Chinese women make the best wives, but my experiences have definitely shaped my preferences. Hopefully more non-Asian women will give Asian men a chance instead of writing them off so quickly… Thanks again for writing this, and all the best to you and your husband!
Also many Asian men, especially after having kids, become much more family orientated and seldom frequent bars or go out, so you just have to know where and when to look. Speaking from personal family experience, a paternal great grandfather of mine, who was the scion of a rice merchant family in Hong Kong got into a spot of trouble with the police around the turn of the century and skip-a-hopped to San Francisco to escape the short arm of the law.
Five years later, he came back with an Irish American wife, who became his no. Ever since then, that branch of the family occasionally throws up some interesting caucasian gene markers followed by lots of family teasings. Ultimately, cultural barriers and obstacles are only an issue if both partners let it become an issue and stereotype only matters if you let it get to you, for it says more about their fear and ignorance than about yourself.
Culture is one factor. There may be a physiological factor. Consider the fact that many white women choose black men, but very few white men choose black women. One thing that made our relationship easier was that his parents were very modern and accepted the relationship early on. Also, he lived in the U. As my boyfriend before we got married, we talked openly about our relationship expectations and cultural differences, and often when a conflict arose we would take a step back and talk about whether or not it was cultural.
Who knows, you might enjoy it lots. I met my husband post-graduate age too! What a small world that my experience could speak to you as a Japanese woman in Japan. Wish you the best with your American husband! I loved your post — what a touching and heartbreaking story of love in China. Thank you so much for sharing, and the best to you and your Filipino boyfriend! I think, beyond the challenges presented by Western stereotypes of Asian men, it is unfair to generalize. MF and Shirong have nailed it, but other commentators are wrongly assuming their experiences are universal.
I am part of a community of Sinified foreign women who are mostly happily married to Mainland Chinese men. It has much to do with that we are a bohemian crowd of artists, musicians, designers, etc.
In that it makes sense: She took two brief relationships with Chinese men and exploited them to reinforce the worst stereotypes of them. Chinese men have their relational challenges I should know — I have broken up with many , but so do all men, and those challenges are diversely individual, rarely the expected stereotype.
This was a very interesting post for me, especially as I have recently started dating a Chinese man. We have only been on two dates and I already can see some of the issues you have described. The other problem is the traditional gender roles. Sometimes I worry that he thinks he has to take me to nice restaurants to keep me happy and save face, something he can ill-afford. I like him very much, and I will try and keep the communication as open and honest as possible to keep cultural issues like this from destroying our fragile and new relationship.
I cannot stand spitting, hocking loogies, nose picking, nail clipping, foot scratching, etc etc etc in public. Most Chinese men I know are fine with that. Andi- I hope you can take it from someone who has been there; if you can tell him exactly as you have in your comment here, and make compromises about who pays etc. After being married to a chinese national for 20 years this December , I can remember back when we faced similar things, but putting it out on the table gingerly really worked.
We still get major stares and whispers, but it bugs our kids more than us. Dial- Most of the chinese men I know would never do those things! BUT,,, considering the period of history that they got together, they copped some awful bigotry in Australia and Asia generally from Caucasian people — comments which I myself when hearing them as a teenager would have been willing to physically fight over. When I told my friends that I would like to find a foreign gf, almost all of them immediately asked me how my parents were gonna say about this.
I said my parents were okay with this and were actually highly supportive for they thought the kid s of such a marriage would be better-looking.
I was a little disappointed. Besides, sex is allegedly a big factor. Because I hear stories where Chinese men failed to satisfy their foreign wives and Chinese men often feel inadequate when it comes to penis size. But I agree with many of their comments and sympathize with them. But as one who is looking for a more serious relationship with a Chinese man, I thank you for having forged the path for us and hopefully showed people on all sides what an interracial relationship can look like.
Thank you for the post and the comments. Stereotypes, values, family preferences, all of it weighs in pretty heavily in China, dare I say more so than in the West. The good thing is that you got married for the right reasons. Personally, the best way I found to deal with them is to smile brightly and say a genuine great, big hello or Gutentag from myself or a ni hao from my girlfriend.
That usually gets them out of their reverie and cut short their whisperings. They are then either forced to smile back if they are friendly or scowl and scurry away if not and you can have a good laugh amongst yourself, but either way it breaks the ice and the tension.
To the guys, irrespective of cultures, it pays lots, trust me on this to let your guard down and show your vulnerabilities, emotionally or otherwise once in a while, for you see sorry ladies women dig the strong enough to be vulnerable guy thing. It has something to do with kittens and puppy dogs I think for all I know. Besides, what have you got to loose apart from a little funny awkwardness?
Over here it seems there are not much problems like in China, I found many many foreign babes hooked up with our men, felt in love and marriage happily. From my few experiences, dating white girls, one very annoying thing is that we would always be watched by others as a curiosity. It was not permanent but it always happened. I have a lot cousins, and on 10 boys, only one is married to a white french girl, even though some have dated white girls for some time before ending with a chinese girl.
Compare to the girls: It confirms the rarity of chinese men with white women, even outside of china. The flight from downtown Chinatown LA to the outer burbs after the Rodney King incident to the larger enclaves of Rowland Hts, Industry Hills and Rosemead, Arcadia, Pasadena served to broaden contact between 1st and 2nd Chinese immigrants and locals. My cousin, who is Chinese, grew up in a very multicultural community with many dating experiences with non Chinese.
He basically grew up color blind or rather non color selective. He eventually married a European girl, he met in Norway. My experience was different. I grew up in a small town and did not date at all in highschool because nobody found me attractive or rather I felt not attractive to the general female population of the school.
Only after I moved away and went to a large city, did I experience non Asian relationships. A serious relationship with a Puerto Rican girl brought up all the issues that several of the previous posts highlighted. I think that we both saw what a big issue our cultures were even though they were both family oriented and patriarchal. I ended up marrying a Taiwanese girl mainly due to our commonalities. I like Chinese culture, I am proud of its language and history. I think that the Chinese males that are in mixed race relationships bespeaks the confidence that they have in themselves and of their partners.
It definitely is tough going but as the saying goes- Love is blind. When living in Taiwan I had two long term Taiwanese boyfriends.
One was a racist prick who had all these assumptions he had made of what it would be like to have a foreign girlfriend and made it clear to me the day I told him to get out of my house that we could never marry or have any future plans because he had to marry a Chinese woman because that was what was proper.
The other was wonderful but tended to get tired of all the shit he heard about him dating a foreign woman. Then there is the assumption that white women do not like Asian men, which makes it hard to date because many men just discount us as unobtainable. And of course the stupid completely false stereotype that Asian men have smaller penises makes many a foreign woman disinterested.
Wow, I am truly amazed by how so many of you have shared such deeply personal experiences. Thank you so much for joining the conversation! I very quickly upon arrival in Taiwan quit hanging out with expats. They were gross to me with all their levels of bigotry and innate belief that they were better than the locals on so many levels.
They all had their local wives but could not fathom a foreign woman liking a more gentle, less retardedly macho local men. The irony in all this is that the more I was chastised for dating local men, the less likely I was to touch one of those expats with a 50ft pole.
A few others did so in very uneducated and ineffective ways. The big thing any Western woman who wants to date a Chinese man has to understand is that your pool of suitable mates is probably much smaller than that for Western men who want to date Chinese men. The nasty disgusting stinky breath is real … and it is a problem.
The smoking is real … and it is a problem, especially for the vast majority of American women. No magic wand can make reality go away. The truth is that those issues exist. That means the numbers a Western woman has to choose from in the social manners and acceptable hygiene departments, alone, are already small. When you add in the family and social pressures, it is almost not worth it to pursue Chinese men.
At least with Chinese men, or other Asian men, who were born or raised in Western countries, they share the same set of social and hygienic values as most Western women. That means the biggest barriers to a relationship will already be taken care of before you have ever even said hello to each other.
Social standards will not change in China until someone makes an effort to educate people. My advice to Western women who want to date Chinese men, or other Asian men, is to do so in your own country or other Western countries. If you insist on looking for one in China, you might have to experience a lot of disappointment until you get lucky, at least until someone is brave enough to push China to bring its social and hygienic habits into the same stratosphere as Western countries. In any relationships, particularly when one begins to spend any significant amount of time with each other, there are bound to be things, including personal habits, that begin to grate.
I sincerely hope you have the opportunity and the potential to grow up and mature into a better person that is capable of seeing beyond the superficial or initial reaction and intolerance that so often dazzle and confuses our life in this modern era. May be it is just begining foreign girl with chinese guy …. I was just welcomed in and treat like any other girl of any other ethnic origin would have been. There are cultural differences, but I think the reason our relationship works so well is that there is a lot of give and take on both sides.
I take on some of his cultural customs, and he takes on some of mine. Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like you have a perfect balance in your relationship. And to be together in Taiwan! Anyway, anyone would be stupid to reject people of any race out of hand.
Of course, just refer to Long Duk Dong from 16 Candles to see something shocking from just a little before my time.
Feh, the point of a kung fu flick is to kick butt, not provide sentimental hogwash. But anyway who cares? I am an ok dancer. Never danced much, but have some talent and pick up moves fast. Back home I am a mediocre player at best, but out here I live in China I fare pretty well against Europeans. But I met Germans who were chaos impersonated and the life of the party. My point is that generalizations and stereotypes come from somewhere.
If you meet enough people within a group say, people from the same country , you start to have an idea of similar traits good and bad that a lot of these people have. If enough people from your country meet enough people from the other country, these generalizations start forming stereotypes. Many of the stories confirm the stereotypes including the size one and others deny them including the size one.
In the end, stereotypes might give you an idea of traits that people from a certain place might have, but they cannot define an individual. Some of the stereotypes about the Chinese even contradict themselves! Think of the martial artist versus the nerdy guy. When two people in this world find each other and have a connection. All the life experience, culture, prejudices etc. But what happens later on is about the individual themselves and how they deal with them.
Sure, you need to learn the language and it takes time. But in China, I know people who have been here for years and years, speak fluent Chinese and barely have any Chinese friends. I remember going to a music festival here in Beijing once and seeing hundreds of cool Chinese people. I said to a friend: Something similar probably happens in Chinese communities overseas. Why should I have to teach someone how to act? These are things he should learn as a child and no one should have to be the mother of a grown man.
If an adult is doing things like these, he will never change because it is too late as those behaviors are ingrained deep inside him. There is nothing shallow, immature, or superficial about expecting a grown adult to have common decency.
I went out with a Chinese guy once who spit on the floor at KFC. I recoiled in disgust and he acted like nothing was wrong. I calmly explained that we were in a restaurant where people are eating and doing that was totally unacceptable. He said okay and then spit on the floor again less than three minutes later. I got up and walked out immediately. These are the things that civilized people learn as children.
It is not too much to ask for someone to have decent public manners. I hope you are not going to get all over-sensitive now and start lashing out at foreign countries, or foreign cultural standards, or something like that. The things I mention are a problem. A very big problem. I hope the foreign women looking for Chinese men can find the Chinese men who do not do those behaviors. But it will not be easy.
I know no one wants to talk about it. The only answer is a lot more education about manners and hygiene. True, not all Chinese guys spit, hock and do other disgusting things. But a lot of them do, here in China. If she really did go out on a date with a Chinese guy who did that, it indicates she is not contaminated by bad stereotypes and probably people were unfair to her. I did notice an excess of political correctness here.
But it is HUGE on a personal level. The hocking IS gross. Part of it, I think is a generational gap. When I see the spitting etc. I rarely see the younger men doing it.
Kindly do not attribute words to myself that are extrapolation and projection of your own personal sensitivity and level of maturity, irrespective of your age. My experience is that personal attraction and curiosity does the darndest things to people, often resulting in the unlikeliest of partnerships and friendships. She has a primness to her that I initially found endearing though occasionally insufferable, but which later mellowed as we dated since she and I came to appreciate our differing perspectives.
By contrast my ex-German girlfriend proved most tediously argumentative and overly politically, which while initially intellectual stimulating, became wearily frustrating especially when all I wanted was a simple cuddle after a long day.
And so on it goes. Of course not, for it reflected the formation process of my own preferences, yet conversely also the slow erosion of my prejudices as I learned to see people beyond the superficial and appreciate them for what they are and their potential.
In all cases I was glad that I overcame my initial dislike and got to know every complex one of them better for what they are. So the question is what prompted you to go out on a date with him in the first place? To clarify something, I have not said that ALL Chinese men publicly spit, hock, nose pick, butt dig, have stinky breath, smoke, shoot snot rockets, or cough without covering their mouths.
I made it a point to say that not ALL do those things. But the sad truth is that MANY do those things, including a lot who are in their 20s and 30s. I guess they pick it up from older men because they do not know better. For the record, I have even hung out with Western educated Chinese guys who did not do those things when they were in other countries, but reverted back to such behavior when they returned to China. Give me a break! It is called will power.
They are too lazy to control themselves or teach to others anything proper. This is not an attack on China either. People know about the main stereotype of the French. Many folks in places like India are known for not being attentive to body odor. I am sure there are other areas in the world with stinky breath and other kinds of problems.
But this blog is specifically about things that can keep Western women and Chinese men apart so I am addressing one of the biggest issues. Wanting all people in every country to have a basic standard of cleanliness and manners is not superficial. It is something that should be normally expected. Please do not hide behind cultural differences because saying that is an excuse for not acting. All people with some education should teach those who do not know. If someone spits by your feet, speak up.
If someone coughs in your face, speak up. SARS was a perfect opportunity for a mass education campaign to stamp out spitting, hocking, and uncovered coughing. A-H1-N1 is about to present another perfect opportunity. Will China step up and seize the initiative while the epidemic rages in full force? Leave the excuses behind!
I agree that, unfortunately, there are a lot of Chinese men with undesirable habits — spitting, smoking, hocking, etc.
It certainly is a barrier to relationships. The many bad apples out there will often blind us to those one-in-a-million guys who really do exist in China. I have met some extraordinary men in China — men who were more gentlemanly, gentle and caring than anyone I ever dated in the US and, I might add, men who do not smoke, spit, hock, have bad breath, or even drink.
If I had decided that all men in China were disgusting, I would never have given myself the opportunity to know them, which would have been an incredible loss.
As for the change you mention — yes, it is important to demand change, and I hope China changes everyday. Yet keep in mind that China is a very large country with shockingly large gaps between the wealthy and poor. And on the other hand, being wealthy in China can often be an obstacle to change. In some cases, these people even have no shame at all I have seen government officials and elites, all men, who once talked blatantly about their mistresses and lewd sexual behavior right in front of me, at the dinner table.
People in China need to reclaim a sense of shame regarding their behavior in public, on many levels. Everyone tells me to get a Chinese boyfriend, but in reality, it seems that very few are open to that idea. Which is a shame, because I certainly am. Thanks for stopping by and posting a comment! Susan, The first and second comment are not correct at all.
Good luck to you! May i just add one more point to what Susan had mentioned about Chinese men, a lot of us are good chef at home too: Food is a such important part of chinese culture that cooking is not just the responsibility of women.
I bet most of the chinese men feel the same about you. Grow up, you have a long way to go. When I was 22, moving to America was not an easy quest for me, I was considered skinny at lbs. I could not get most American girls to go on a date with me. My point is, people will always have their first impression from your outer appearance, and sometimes, you might just need to let them have it before they even get a chance to know the real you.
I can say from my personal experience, even after my transformation on my image the macho look , many white women still keep their distance from me. This is mostly because of the race issue. For some reason, more white men can easily accept Asian women than a white women can accept Asian men. I can accept racism but I refuse to believe Chinese men are less than western men in any way. Not even handsome vs.
If I could get a Chinese guy to make a move I would be so happy. Part of it is they seem intimidated. As to other expats guys! The second night I was in China, one guy asked me if I would date a Chinese guy and when I said yes, he accused me of having a fetish for small penises.
What about the rampant adultery? Not only is adultery fairly common, it seems almost socially accepted and mandated. Has this been a problem for any of the couples?
Perhaps it also happens that plenty of racism in China exists toward foreigners living in the country. Can anyone explain it maybe they have already? Maybe, is it due to the lack Asian men presence in the media?
Re Andrea, the problem of rampant adultery is not true even though the things appeard. At least the mainstream culture can not accept it. These historical wounds still haunt many Chinese mentally.
What Stan said is true, I believe most Chinese men have hard time to let women pick up their tab on a date. Casual dating with foreign girls is just not common in China, on top of that, i think basic communication can be another issue, how many foreign girls can speak fluent chinese and how many chinese men can speak fluent english in china? This issue alone can eliminate almost majority of the potiential dates.
I also think that bias against asian men do still exist which makes the matter even more complicated, because it becomes more than just about dating, it becomes a issue of race and chinese certainly do not take it lightly. On the mistress issue, I have to agree with Steven Chao.
While I have come across some circles of men in China where mistresses are in the picture — these are often the powerful bosses, or officials, or men in high positions, usually 40, 50 years or older. Not your typical guy, and certainly not the kind of guy most of us would end up dating or marrying anyway. Yes, this discussion is interesting. But I still think that the main obstacle here is how closed the Chinese society is. Because in the end it ends up playing a role in the language barrier as well.
And, by not engaging very much with a lot of Chinese people, the mixing just becomes a bit more complicated. I agree Chinese society is closed. But if this were the main reason why there are so few Chinese men dating or marrying foreign women, you would see the same pattern with Chinese women dating or marrying foreign men.
Still, it is possible to overcome the barriers — and doing so largely depends on how you approach your experience in the country, and the kinds of experiences you have. When I first came to China, I knew almost no Chinese — just a few survival phrases, and basic numbers. But I was curious about China, and interested to learn. In the process, I made some amazing Chinese friends, who spoke English and became my own teachers — teaching me about the culture around me.
If you live in China as a foreigner, you always have the opportunity to have contact with the culture. Of course I meant my experience in China. You seem to put the blame on foreigners who stay in their comfort zones.
But these people still hang out with foreigners much more than with Chinese. Actually, we accept them as one of our own. So yes, I do put some of the blame on the Chinese society. But I am not blind to our flaws and I did have a very good welcome when I lived in Germany.
I apologize if I sounded as though I was putting so much blame on foreigners. I can understand where you are coming from, given your experience in Brazil, and observing foreigners integrating quite flawlessly into the culture. You are right that it is not easy in China for foreigners. I too have had moments of alienation in China. And perhaps I am an anomaly — having family ties to the country brings me so much closer to it.
If you put an effort into it I believe the Chinese society is pretty open. But I kind of have a good starting point: I live in a totally Chinese area in Beijing, no other westerners is living here. I have been very welcomed here.
Yet, the great majority of their friends seems to be foreign. It makes it much easier for a foreign guy to chat up a Chinese girl in a random social setting e. On the other hand, some Westerns girl would need a real connection to a guy to fall for him. That requires a lot of interaction. Point being, it just decreases the chances a western girl has of meeting those amazing Chinese guys out there.
This is a complex issue, and all factor raised play a role in each individual case. As it has been pointed out in other comments, some really have a problem with feeling superior to the Chinese.
I think one of the reasons that western women are often thought to be rich, even when they are actually not, is because they are typically a lot more exposed to the consumerism that is dominant in western culture.
By that I mean they tend to spend their money more generously and liberally than their Chinese counterparts. Fresh-off-the-boat Chinese FOBs, e. And they expect their girlfriends maybe not girlfriends, but certainly their wives to be economically prudent, too.
I know for a fact that I would not be able to independently afford a marriage with any of a number of sorority girls that I know on this campus, even if I could secure the highest paying job available for a normal college graduate. Another problem that I have encountered is religion. When I came to the states, I landed in a historically white fraternity in a state right in the Bible belt. Many men who are dating Chinese girls online and are planning to have a Chinese wife someday have this worry that if they get married to a Chinese lady, she may be interested only in leaving her country or enhancing her economic status.
You may not have visited mainland China before and may have never dated any Chinese lady. Thus, there are certain things you need to know if you are thinking of how to get a Chinese Girl to like you or are already dating a Chinese woman.
In addition, several signs and cues you might take to mean that the girl has genuine feelings are merely a cultural mannerism based upon behavioral patterns which are instilled in them during their early years. Essentially, Chinese women are taught to conduct themselves in a specific manner in order to find a good life partner. When they attain adulthood, these behaviors have become ingrained in their brains and they do not really know that they are behaving that way. Another important thing you need to know is that in Chinese culture, people can get married without actually being in love.
Most Chinese people regard love to be an action, not a feeling.
Iamges: dating phrases in chinese
How much is the deposit? You might be surprised. The western media put Harsh and horrific sterotypes against Chinese men, and since most western women are brain washed by their media, they look down on Chinese men at the first place therefore, will not even consider dating one.
But, there are only two kinds of men regardless of being under Western, or Eastern Tradition. When I came to the states, I landed in a historically white fraternity in a state right in the Bible belt.
A study by psychology researchers New Berkeley research shows two types of dating techniques online daters like each other more before they actually meet in person—it's that first face-to-face where things slide downhill, and average dating phrases in chinese report disappointment across the board, dating phrases in chinese down chinesf everything from looks to datign. Friend, thanks for commenting. We estimate that about 18 percent -- almost 1 in 5 -- of those who are single and have access to the Internet have used Internet dating," In Britain, phraases term dating bears similarity to the American sense of the tentative exploratory part of a relationship. Dating phrases in chinese through friends was also commonly cited by those in the National Health and Social Life Survey, co-directed by sociologist Edward Laumann of the University of Chicago. At least with Chinese men, or other Asian men, who were born or raised in Western countries, they share the same set of social and hygienic values as most Western women.
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