Intimacy and Romance in NT-AS relations | Asperger Partner


dating someone with aspergers disease

Some of my friends know that he has it, and they have been very mean to me because of it. Actually, it applies to all people. Retrieved on March 16, , from https: No seeking medical advice. They tend to be the people who refuse to accept social skills can be learned and want everyone to cater to them because learning all the signs of "please go away" and actually following them isn't appealing to them. However, to give a bit of advice:

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It's not only that sound though, it happens pretty irregularly and my reactions to it are mostly unpredictable. I understand that you're saying I need to treat him like I would anyone else. It's a bit odd, but I've gotten used to it and I'm not looking for marriage and kids right now, so I let it be. I used to be happy and independent and feel loved and like I have purpose. Going out on V day was an issue as well

This is nonsense, as our inherent brain differences are permanent and present from an early age, and generally make us more straightforward and rational than neurotypical or allistic people. To use an analogy, NT people calling autism a mental illness is like a human calling Spock crazy for being consistently logical and honest.

Hi all, I would like to express my opinion as well without offending someone in particular. I will do my best to be coherent as it is a stressful emotionally period for me. I will appreciate any advice and opinion. I have read the article and most of comments, trying to understand myself and the situation that I am in I meet my partner a few years ago and we become good friends, spending a lot of time chatting every almost every day.. He give me a hard time for more than 6 mounts until I did all he wanted the way he wanted and still continues I found out about his syndrome after after speaking with a mental health counsellor when things got a bit over the top because I was questioning him why he is doing certain things because wore affecting our relationship he meet someone online and he spent 2 mounts hiding with his phone while he was chatting with his new friend that was a psychiatric medic..

He is still chatting with her but find new methods to hide it from me How blind can you be in order not to see that all she says are lies? It was and still is a very painful period for me as I was feeling betrayed emotionally by the person that I believe was the most amazing man I ever meet.

I will try to be short with the rest of the story I understood that as I consider it his private passion and admiring women from google is not that bad.

I am overwhelmed and in pain emotionally after only 2 years of living with him I would like to accept him and his obsessions as long those are constructive for him and our relationship It is more painful after I came from another continent to be with him and this year on Easter time I have been left alone at home while his excuse was that he s not celebrate Easter and I should be telling him that I want to do something for that day.

Going out on V day was an issue as well Not allowed to go out with my friends as he is making me feel guilty that I am not helping him with God knows what and not taking priorities seriously. He was very nice and loving and supporting with him and I really appreciate all he has done for me I love him and I have difficulties leaving the relationship. I am disappointed about me that I have accepted all this and giving so many chances to the relationship Wish you all the best Your post has helped me enormously!

I met a man on fb who has become obsessed with me- is always going on about what he wants and seems to be almost entirely lacking in empathy. I think he's angry with me for not responding to him As anything more than a friend. He says he has no need of friends. I have started to feel that I'm crazy! Now I get it. I love him and I have difficulties leaving the relationship..

We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight. Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free! Group B Strep Throat: The Invisible Marriage Killer.

Asperger's Parents and Neurotypical Children. NT Children of Parents with Aspergers: Add a Comment Comments. Anonymous Are you kidding me with this article? September 19, - 8: August 18, - 6: Anonymous reply to Anonymous I've actually been married for twenty years to a man with Aspergers.

August 24, - 6: Anonymous reply to Anonymous My husband has not been diagnosed, but I do feel he is Asperger, he just has to many systems. November 13, - Anonymous I am Aspie and so is my boyfriend. July 30, - 5: Anonymous I am a 28 year old male just recently self-diagnosed with Asperger's working on a formal evaluation.

May 14, - 8: Anonymous Hi all, I would like to express my opinion as well without offending someone in particular. April 20, - 9: Anonymous reply to Anonymous Your post has helped me enormously! October 12, - 5: Do you really want to post anonymously? Are You a Member? Many people with ASDs really want to learn how to socialize better.

They want to understand social skills and be better functioning. They're not using their diagnosis as an excuse, they're explaining why they can't get certain things.

Maybe they go through a mental flow chart - crossed arms - downturned mouth - not looking at me - she must be mad! And it's A-OK to say you wouldn't be up for dating somebody like that, you're well within your rights.

But it's not an excuse and ASDs involve a lot more than low social skills so summing it up as being socially stunted seems dismissive. Don't read too much into their body language. They don't display their feelings the same on the outside. My boyfriend always looks upset at something, but really he's just deep in thought. I still have a hard time with it because I'm great at readying people. But not these kinds. Also you might need to learn how to pull them out into society.

My boyfriend hates it but sometimes I force him because it's good for him to hang out with people. You need to learn when and how to pick the social battles. Interesting you say that because I feel like he's pulled away just when he realizes that being with me would require being out and about with people more. Not that he CAN'T do it and we don't already hang out with mutual friends.

I just think he's uncomfortable with it unless it's on his terms. This reflects my cousin with the condition who suffers a lot worse with social anxiety and is really unable to get out and make friends. If you talk to him, make sure he understands that those feelings are illogical. My boyfriend hates going out with people because of social anxiety but if I spend a good amount of time telling him these people know him and accept him, then he usually agrees.

These kinds of people are highly logical, and if you make them see that their logic is actually drive by emotions, then they attempt to change a bit. But also pick your battles wisely. If he's had a lot of social activity recently, then don't fight so hard about it. One of the reasons I do so well with my boyfriend is that I'm independent. I leave him at home a lot and go do my own things.

But there are times where I put my foot down, and he needs to have the talk. I would start by showing him that you aren't that type of person who requires him to always be around when you are out.

If you are, then this isn't going to work. I like having my boyfriend around but I don't require him to all the time. Another thing is if you do plan anything, schedule it in advance. This might create some anxiety for him but I have found giving a reasonable amount of time before having to push him into social groups helps.

We hang out with his friends every Saturday night, he knows it, so he plans. He won't go out on Friday, or Saturday so he has the energy for the social gathering. All in all, you will have to be independent a lot if you want to continue having a strong social life. Give him time to gain energy before social gatherings even after too , and make sure he is given a lot of notice.

Doesn't have to be details, just "we're hanging out with X and Y on saturday. My SO is on the spectrum. The biggest advice i have is what everyone has said in one way or another: No hints, no suggestions, just say it. The cool part is that my SO also doesn't react dramatically, he just receives the information and processes it.

He likes to be in the loop and can handle anything. Doesn't get offended either. The cool thing is that he does the same back and gives me the straight deal.

No drama, just truth. And he can't lie well so he just doesn't. We communicate efficiently and have a ton of honesty. My current bf, I believe, has some kind of Aspie thing going on.. He was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia though.

I agree, he is very honest I don't even think he's capable of lying , laid-back and just takes info as you give it to him. A few other things: He is happy just playing video games all day and working a menial job. He would like to earn more money, but isn't interested in the sacrifices that would require. It's a bit odd, but I've gotten used to it and I'm not looking for marriage and kids right now, so I let it be.

He's also a picky eater - like, only eats kiddie foods such as fries, hot dogs, pizza and hamburgers. The only other foods he will eat are apples must be red delicious and red peppers. Oh, and plain rice. This is challenging as well, but we live apart, so it's not too bad. He's very affectionate though, almost in a child-like way, when he wants to be. He gives me space when I need it and I him - so it's working so far. I dated a guy with Asperger's once. It was sometimes difficult because he couldn't tell what I was feeling or why I was feeling that way, and I'd have to explain things outright.

Our relationship was short for non-Asperger's-related reasons , but I imagine that being direct would start to come more naturally if I dated an Aspie for a longer period of time. That it is, i feel sorry at times when i just dont get others. Still i think if you stay honest it shouldnt be that much of a problem, my bf and i get at times frustrated with each other, yet because we simply communicate even in the worst we get it together.

I believe alot in this relies in accepting that many things just dont seem to be for an auti and willing to communicate the intent then. And never get angry at them if it doesnt click immediately. Got this idea from a ex, just a couple notes how you want him to react then and let him do that routine.

Works alot for us: And thanks, took us some time tho, and alot of speaking to one another. Luckily i got a big load of data to draw from to make him understand me, and to understand him. Statistics and psychology are good data for an autist: Then i, truly from a semiprofesional point never want past my masters , can tell you with a clear conscious, that works like a charm ;.

Tho we also set up a list of things my partner does then eg no more then holding me when i shutin I really wish you best of luck in this and hope a checklist works. My SO has classical autism. I was aware of that from the very start and it didn't deter me in the slightest in pursuing him. I wasn't very clear in my intentions and feeling, which led to us being "just friends" for a while before we "clicked" together.

We've been having a great relationship since and we are slowly building a future together. I won't say that there are no problems and no challenges, but they are far less than what I expected.

To answer the OP's questions: We are a very, very good match and we have a strong relationship which makes each of us a better person. Personally I find that some of the autistic traits can be an asset in a relationship and so far nothing has come even close to being a deal-breaker between us. I won't lie, but reading this made me tear up.

Thank you for taking the time to explain your relationship to us! I think what you've written will be a source of hope to a lot of people out there. In terms of my own situation, I will try to work on being a good friend before anything else.

Hell, that's good relationship advice in general too! You ladies are amazing. He doesn't read my face or emotions at all, couldn't tell I was upset unless I was actually crying. Couldn't understand things like celebrating birthdays or why I would call on Christmas. I'm a very clear communicator, but there's only so many times I can explain things that feel like, "this is why I bleed when you cut me" without feeling crazy.

He had good intentions, but was unintentionally incredibly harsh and hurtful at times. I would never do it again. I'm a sensitive, empathic person, and probably should be with the same. Spending a lot of time with him felt really lonely because there was no empathy. My SO has Aspergers. I knew before I started dating him and was initially worried because I had no understanding of what it was.

Dating was never hard with him. Since I'm a person who is very upfront in general, it only added to the relationship. There were times when he didn't understand why I was feeling a certain way initially but eventually he learned how I am as a person and vice versa.

He's uncomfortable in certain social situations but he loves my friends and loves hanging out with them. It wasn't like this at first but we worked on it and we have a wonderful relationship.

My parents were hesitant at first too but once they learned what a smart and caring person he was to me, they really like him. He isn't bothered by jealousy or empathy, but that's perfectly fine.

He is a logical person and IMO, that's the best way to be. Sometimes our emotions get in the way of what we need to say or do to others. Also he is such a character and is extremely quirky once I got to know him. He has several obsessions common with Asp and they're fun. Not sure if this is too late but here's my experience. I didn't instantly know but after a couple of months he told me, which explained a number of things. He was a wonderful person, and still is , but a few of his quirks made things extremely difficult and sometimes hurt me emotionally.

Sometimes he couldn't deal with cuddling, or me being close to him physically if he was really tired or overwhelmed. The worst thing was when he'd try to comfort me when I was upset or distressed. The 'comfort' he'd give me was things that I should do to change and do differently to improve my situation, but NO emotional comfort or support at all. Which in those cases personally was quite hurtful when all I needed was someone to cry to.

My husband is on the spectrum but he never got a proper diagnosis as a child so just had to deal with it, so he has lots of coping mechanisms and most people can't tell as he is very good at pretending to be neurotypical when he needs to be. His 'filter' often drops when stressed, tired or drunk and he can become difficult. I often have to remind him that his words don't always come across the way he thinks they do. He can become sensitive to noise when the filter is down too.

Tho the underlying base is the same, clear open and logical communication is everything. Dont trreat them like they are stupid or slow, with a brain that has no kind of filter it takes us at times a bit longer to sort through all the information, but we are not slow or otherwise mentally challenged.

Some are, but so are "normal" humans. Especially if logic and reason is being used instead of guesswork All that is needed for people on an autism spectrum is to communicate, clear, honest and logical.

Do you think vulcans have an equivalent disorder? Like they occasionally have hyper social touchy feeling smile a lot children who prefer emotions over cold logic and don't get why you would prefer to bottle things up and expect logical explanations behind feelings and their parents don't really know what to do with them because they keep missing basic social milestones and don't get all the nuances of vulcan culture because they keep wanting to see emotions where they should be seeing logic and so they always put their foot in their mouth and don't understand how to make friends the vulcan way and keep accidentally offending people because they can't read social cues.

Which is why I'm wondering if the equivalent to autism in vulcan culture is similar to what we see as being neurotypical. I appreciate the clarification on points. Still trying to learn all I can on the right ways to talk about autism and the spectrum in all it's different manifestations. One of my good friends has Asperger's. He's an amazing man that I love spending time with. Under different circumstances I would have been happy to have him as my boyfriend.

I've never been in a long term relationship with someone on the spectrum but one of my play partners think kink community version of FWBs has Asberger's I actually kind of love it because as an occupational therapy student and someone who has PDD-NOS Persistent Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified, think subclinical and atypical Autism we just kind of "get" each other.

Not many people know what its like to have sensory processing issues and to struggle reading social cues despite being extroverted and wanting to be social.

Its kind of great. I love the kink community specifically because explicit, open, honest communication is highly emphasized and valued. As someone who doesn't necessarily pick up on non-verbal cues I find it so much easier to operate that way and so I've really found an awesome home for myself in this community. This is my MO. I like brilliant, logical, emotionless guys so sometimes I find myself liking one. Mostly I stay away, sometimes I get drawn in by one before I know what's up.

I'm pretty good at talking out emotions and things, explaining them. The biggest problem is they will still do thoughtless things inadvertently, and there's only so much a person can deal with. I'm also really bad at asking people to comfort and help me, and so I need a partner who will notice to do such things on their own.

I'm a man with A. If you have something to say, say it. Because he's not going to pick up on your hints. Clear communication is important in any relationship, but especially important if you're with someone with A.

After reading this thread, it's reinforced my belief that the doctor was wrong and I don't have A. I don't think I need to waste doctors' time. I know I'm a very empathetic person, and capable of reading faces.

I don't need a doctor to tell me that. Your story worries me a little because that's sort of the trajectory we've been on in my opinion, but I'm willing to try a bit longer to give it an honest shot.

If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I have relatives with the condition too. My cousin is married and she now has a child so forging a healthy relationship is possible though her daughter is diagnosed with autism as well, so it is definitely genetic. I'm probably not going to have sex before I die but on the off chance I do I absolutely want to make absolutely sure that there is no possible chance I have no kids The though of passing this on my depression, my autism, and probably 30 other things I don't know I have is the most disgusting thing in the world I can think of doing.

I want my genetic line to die with me. That's really all you can do. Maybe for you but I mean If I had the slightest inclination that I might be having sex in the next years I would go get a vasectomy because right now I want absolutely no chance Someone else like me?

It just seems cruel to them.. I'm sure there are a lot of great things about you that are worth passing on too. There's always the flip side! Yeah but nothing worth passing on this disorder. I mean if I could go back in time and tell my parents not to have me even though I'm pretty happy righ tnow I would totally do it. And my kid would probably do the same thing so I'm just gonna avoid it all together. I have learning disabilities, ADHD, and a genetic autoimmune disease that comes in varying levels of "fucking obnoxious" to "extremely crippling" but I won't know if I have the crippling sort till I'm in my 30s or 40s.

Part of me thinks "wow I have shit genes, I should adopt" but this other egotistical part of me wants a baby that looks like me. And if I were to adopts I'd know on an ethical level I'd probably ask for a kid less likely to be adopted, which are usually children of colour which means no baby that looks like me. Which I could be A-OK with, we could wear matching clothes and I could get the "we match" feeling from that. But another part of me still wants a genetic half clone of myself and I figure I as long as a reproduce with someone who doesn't have a family history of what I have they won't turn out with anything worse than what I currently have.

And I learned to cope and turned out pretty OK. I have another decade to figure this out. But I flip flop about where I want my own kids or to adopt because of my disabilities. It's good you're sure about where you stand! Being high functioning autistic and having Aspergers are also very different individually so your guy may not be the emotional black hole that mine was.

I didn't find out until a few months into the relationship. Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy. Log in or sign up in seconds. Submit a new text post. AskWomen subscribe unsubscribe , readers 2, users here now Don't forget to upvote good questions! About what you post: About how you post it: Violating any of these rules will result in moderator action.

Welcome to Reddit, the front page of the internet. Become a Redditor and subscribe to one of thousands of communities. Want to add to the discussion? So happy I came here today. Ours is a simple, honest existence. We have a justifiably high suicide rate, is what I'm getting at. Not to pry too much, but would you care to elaborate on this?

But it's true, I can't stand some sounds to the point that they physically affect me. If you have any more questions feel free to ask away!

So it's probably related but not necessarily exclusive to ASD's. Congrats to you both! Different people prefer different terms though. This works with almost every autist Took me almost 6 months to get my dear "non auti" to understand that It's something that I'm still working on, but basically I need to verbalize a lot of what I feel and think and want. Bonus - this has provided a lot of insight into myself.

The upside is that I now live in a culture which is used to very direct communication Dutch , so I get to practice. Aside from verbalizing a lot more, I am making efforts to be clear and specific, as well as going into detailed explanations of my thought processes or reasons why I feel a certain way. We are both learning how to deal with each other's non-verbal language.

He is learning my "operating manual" by paying attention to what I do and how I look like in certain situations, I keep getting confused by his "deep in thought face" and mistake it for "upset face".

The sum is greater than the parts. Our personalities are overlapping quite a bit, but we reinforce each other's strong parts and shore up the weaker ones.

For example, he cannot handle planning beyond a week or two while I'm a master planner of everything. We have similar interests and rejoice in sharing them, but our angles and opinions are different enough that we're not clones of each other and we get to have interesting debates.

I expected blunt communication from him so this didn't come as a great shock at first. This is different from person to person, my SO happens to be extremely honest in his action and expression, which for the most part is something that I really cherish if he says that he finds me beautiful I can absolutely believe he's telling the unadulterated truth , but in a couple of instances did cause friction and hurt between us.

OR to quote my bf "Autis are like vulcans, logic to survive their own emotions" Source, am an autist. This is maybe a thing I have thought about a lot. Just a little bit. Vulcans aren't real, but they seem to be modeled on autistic people.

I like the Vulcan quote! With that quote he managed to make me his XD. I'm hoping this will work out for me better when I'm older. Also thank you for the advice!

Iamges: dating someone with aspergers disease

dating someone with aspergers disease

I'm always careful about not using the word "you" when I'm upset. It's amazing what you might learn.

dating someone with aspergers disease

Using a genuine disability as an excuse for poor behaviour is another. Making the attempt, even badly, would go a very long way to helping the SO to feel cared for and listened to. He can't read faces well.

dating someone with aspergers disease

Theory dating someone with aspergers disease Mind also includes insight into your own motivations, feelings and thoughts. But it will likely test your love and dating someone with aspergers disease at first, or at some point during the relationship. I'm still the dksease one to tell my girlfriend if an idea is terrible, and I don't really keep my opinions secret, although I don't run around yelling about how usc dating site I hate people, why something is awesome, etc. He's probably going to do some things a little differently than most people - ask him why. Sometimes he couldn't deal with cuddling, or me being close to him physically if he was really tired or overwhelmed. So long as I avoid sith, intimidation and stick to a routine, it's absolutely fine