Self-Injury & Relationships
So, scars like that are not a disqualification so long as my significant other isn't doing so, and is in a good place mental healthwise. She'd lie just to see what she could get away with. I still have my own scars from cutting for some time, so yeah, I would date a woman with old self-harm scars. Sounds like a good plan. I would be completely ok with it. They aren't trying to fix you, but they are designed to "fix it". Anyone is allowed to ask and answer questions.
If you find out someone you know is self harming, I urge you not to jump to the conclusion they are trying to kill themselves, and most of all, to not panic. No seeking medical advice. If we take out childhood, she did it for about a third of her life. It was very nice and something I haven't really had with anyone before this. I feel the same way, and it sucks.
I can only speak for myself though, and it may be because I have prior experience in the matters. My initial reaction would be sadness that you went throuh that, but pride and joy that you got through it. I hope this helps a little, I just felt I needed to comment because it hit so close to home. I would respect you more for overcoming it, but I would probably be more aware of it and look for anything new at least at first , but if nothing new showed for a while it would move to the back of my mind.
Not a dealbreaker at all. Adolescence can be a rough time for lots of us. The fact that you overcame that, survived those rough years and lived to tell the tale, speaks to a strong person who has overcome at least one self-destructive coping mechanism. It would make me more attentive to any other signs of self sabotage. Not saying that I would expect that, just something I might worry about in the back of my mind from time to time.
I would date you as long as the sex was good let's be real here, but perhaps you're asking could a guy fall in love with someone who possessed those scars? That is a more complicated question that also relies upon how much compassion to possible commonality a guy would share in his own personality if he simply judged scars like that at face value. But if asked in a vaccuum from the eyes of the most emotionally mature and developed man, then it would fall right back to you.
If I looked into your eyes and still saw someone holding on to those scars, protecting them in her soul, probably not. BUT, if I looked in her eyes and I saw complete love, understanding of thyself holding the demeanor of someone that just happens to have scars and acknowledges their existence with maturity and usually a ting of humor, it'd ACTUALLY be probably the final aspect that made me fall completely and utterly in love with her. Although, I think I just went on a weird tangent.
My bad, but what I wrote I think is good so I'll keep it up anyhow. At a certain point you realize that everyone has some baggage assuming she is no longer doing that it is not a deal breaker.
No longer engaged, long story. But that's not relevant. A few of them were pretty badly keloid'd out on her stomach, and shoulder blades. Her legs were scarred, but no keloids, and she had a few on her arms. It did set me back the first time I saw her naked.
But, she is a very pretty woman and it didn't disturb me to the point of running the other direction. Once were were truly together, I just always checked for signs to see if it was happening again. Always vigilant and making sure she was ok. One night, we were living together at this point , I rolled over in bed and she wasn't there, so I went looking for her. I found her in the spare room, drunk she had been out with the girls , and had a razor blade.
I sat down on the floor with her, and we talked. She hadn't done any cutting, she was just holding the blade. I asked her what was up. After a few minutes of chat, I gave her a hug and convinced her to hand over the blade, where I wrapped it in 's of layers of duct tape and took it out to the apartments dumpster and threw it away.
I asked her if she had anymore, she said no, and I believed her. After that, to my knowledge, she never considered it again, and although we aren't together anymore, I hope she hasn't come back to it.
I doubt she has, but you never know. I DID date a woman with self harm scars. It didn't bother me, I just wanted to make sure she was ok. I have a friend who is 2 years older than myself, and when I first met her the very first thing I noticed about her were the scars on her arms.
Once we got a bit more comfortable talking to each other I asked her about them. She says they're from her teen years as a means of stress coping. She also mentioned about possibly getting them removed someday. Now I personally have no problem seeing her scars. I don't think or treat her any differently for having them. Heck the scars were even completely out of mind till I read this post.
I myself have no issues with dating someone with physical scars, and yes it would be something I'd like her to talk to me about when she is ready. I would be hesitant however, if it turned out that she still continues the practice or has strong urges to do so. And for what it's worth, I don't think you need to be ashamed of your scars at all.
Like you say, they're part of who you are, and how you became the person you are. You went through some rough times, and you survived, and you've grown.
That's nothing to be ashamed of, whether or not the scars are visible. I might, but there'd be an aspect of doubt alongside it. We all have our share of issues; some more physically visible from others. I was a bit weird about it in the beginning but now, there is nothing to worry about. It was before I came along and it had more to do with social college dynamics and cliques than relationships. Going through this thread made me cry to be honest. There's some really nice and thoughtful people here and it makes me feel accepted.
Been down that road. Yes, you are a stronger person now, and I am sure you have worked through a lot of your issues, but that doesn't mean you won't be high maintenance. That being said, I am definitely not a good representation of most men nor is this subreddit, necessarily.
We all did some stupid shit as a teenager. I'd hate for people to hold my stupid shit over my head long into adulthood. Its a scar like any other. What difference does it make where it comes from? If she's gotten over that kind of stuff, yes, no problem.
Especially if you had a really cool looking one. I'm an open book with the women I date, and I would feel Obviously it isn't a first date topic, but pretty quick I'd like to know.
Otherwise, I'd be left wondering what other problems you might have had that you haven't gotten over yet. And it was the single worst decision of my life. She kept her crazy mostly under wraps until that damned ring went on her finger, and literally less than a month after that, my life went to hell.
She didn't want me going out with my friends. Created drama to make her life seem interesting. She'd lie just to see what she could get away with. Wouldn't have sex with me but got pissed off when she found my porn stash. Lied and said her father was diagnosed with a terminal disease to speed up my decision making as to when to have a child. Seriously, procreation was the only reason we ever had sex, and it was the most boring, tedious, missionary sex I ever had.
Age doesn't fix crazy. I have self harm scars on my upper arm and thighs. It's not a part of my life any more and I would take every one of them back if I could. The idea of explaining the scars to my potential future children is a really scary thing for me. I don't know how I'm going to do it. Maybe they'll just be used to it and I can explain it better when they're older.
Truthfully, the thing that makes me the most upset and fearful about being a parent with scars like mine, is the judgement I expect to receive from other parents. My scars are usually covered but what happens when I take my children swimming. Everyone will see the faint stripes on my legs and think I'm not a good mother, that the children aren't safe with me because I'm clearly mentally unstable, that I obviously can't be looking after them properly.
I can tell you now that that's bullshit. I will be an excellent mother. I'm more than my scars. I'm more than the mental health issues I had as a teenager. The only thoughts about self harm that I have now are thoughts of regret.
I wish I'd known as a teenager that I wouldn't feel that way forever, but no teenager knows that. They fall in love forever for a month. Beyond that, I wish that people who saw old self harm scars would realise that a person can change.
Not one of us is the same person they were when they were a teenager. Unfortunately, my body tells you what sort of teenager I was and as such people assume I'm the same person. I feel the same way, and it sucks. I guess it isn't the reason for the scars that matters anymore, it's the scars. If they could be removed I may feel different, but I don't know. Maybe I should be a better person. I think that mental health issues in adolescence may be indicative of a potential for more serious conditions in adulthood, it's not scientific, but I think that this is not so far in the past as the user is indicating.
The feeling is that she isn't being honest with herself, I think she wants reassurance from people that she is as okay as she wants to make herself out to be. I see the time frame, Almost a quarter of her life she had a mental health issue that resulted in harming herself. If we take out childhood, she did it for about a third of her life. Is there any reason why he ends up with -6 karma which doesn't reflect badly on the downvoters? My gf cut maybe 10 years ago? I talked to her about it when we started dating Seriously who cuts in their mid 20s?
It doesn't bug me, bc she dealt with it. We all had a phase, it took us to different places. The point is growth. The answer to your question is, lots of people cut in their mid-twenties, actually. Yes it is a mental health issue, but it is very common. I would date a girl with scars, but I wouldn't let it get serious.
Anyone is allowed to ask and answer questions. Do not insult or troll people, including in PMs. The title of your post must contain your actual, concise question. If anyone out there is considering self harm at the moment, I understand what you're going through, but I urge you to use CLEAN tools, and to wash and dress any wounds as soon as possible afterwards.
I'm not condoning self harm in any way, but if it's going to happen then it should be made as "safe" as possible, just like recreational drug use, if it's going to be done, is something someone should educate themselves about the safety of. I understand that many of you will be confused, that you're wondering why anyone would want to to hurt themselves and then try to make it better by putting on a plaster.
But self-harm often isn't about the long term pain, but about the emotional release at that individual time. I've even heard of people spacing out during the act of self harming and not realizing what they've done until they came back round. I want to look at this at a different approach though: Being a self-harmer in a relationship is a huge thing for me. When my boyfriend and I first started dating he found it strange that I wore long-sleeved tops in summertime, and would wear a towel right to the edge of the swimming pool.
He thought it was odd that I wore long sleeved gloves to my prom, and wouldn't take them off, even for the finger-food. Having scars, and sometimes fresh wounds on my body can be a pain and a hassle, but can also be awkward to brush off. There's only so many times you can say the cat scratched you, before people start to dig deeper. Until I met my boyfriend I found it very hard to accept my body for what it was.
He continually told me I was beautiful, and that even if I had issues with my body, he didn't. When we started talking about having sex together, I started to panic about showing him my scars. I have unsightly marks all down my ribs and thighs, along my forearms, and on my ankles. All places that are really easy to cover up normally, but in the bedroom - not so easy. It was time to come clean , to tell him I am a self-harmer.
It didn't change how he felt about me, but it did put a little strain on our relationship at first. He wasn't sure whether it was okay to go near the scars, he was very protective of me suddenly, and God-forbid anyone make a joke about self harmers in our presence.
It was a strange and different side to him I'd never seen before. We chatted for hours about why and how and where and every other question he could think of, and I tried to answer each and everyone honestly. It hurts him when I self harm, I know that, but I know it hurts him more when I won't tell him I've done it. He'd rather I tell him, than him finding out in bed. At first it felt really awkward going up to him and trying to tell him what I'd just done, and I think he too found it hard to know what to do or say, but sometimes it's not about the words.
A hug and a murmured 'I love you' can do more for me than a huge long speech. So although self harm is often a horribly misinformed subject, it is possible to self harm and be in a relationship, so here's my advice to anyone who finds that their partner injures themselves as a way of release:.
Self harm is a coping method, if you don't provide them with another way to cope with their emotions, then they cannot stop, the guilt of having broken a promise to you may incline them to do more harm.
It's okay for you to be upset as well, but don't try to force them to talk about anything.
Iamges: dating with self harm scars
Violating any of these rules will result in moderator action. I talked to her about it when we started dating I guess it would depend on the person and the situation, not really something I could gauge in advance I think.
I looked it up, and according to HealthyPlace. Dating with self harm scars my radiocarbon dating defined partners have had no mental health problems ecars have all been fine with my scars. If he is kind, funny and loving. But yeah, relationships can be difficult with and without mental health issues so it really depends of the circumstances etc. I dont have a date yet but i am looking and so want to be prepared.