Dating In Midlife And What Secrets To Reveal | HuffPost

Suggestions for women and men over 50 years of age

midlife dating

T hey become a ttracted to someone else. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner's primary relationship. Also — you can get more information here. I was wondering why this was happening so I ordered your book. People who write and speak about the subject of why women cheat often regurgitate outdated information or intentionally leave out basic information because it's not politically correct to talk about women's true sexual nature.

Slowing Down After 50 Years

And because inevitably hormones are declining, and your sex drive with them, in many cases sex becomes the result of emotional attachment rather than simply physical desire — which makes it more satisfying and fulfilling for almost everybody. Living In Limbo E xplains: There is a widespread view that sex for women ends around the time of the menopause. Soul Seeking This describes the dramatic change in needs which can occur for somebody in their 50s. Reflecting society's belief that women are either "good" or "bad," women will question their "good girl" status and fe el that they might not be deserving of their husbands. At the time, I just knew I had something and whatever it was, it wasn ' t normal.

Many women in this stage haven't felt any sexual desire for a long time. Many experience tremendous guilt and regret, regardless of whether their new relationships are sexual, merely emotional, or both. Most begin to experience what could be termed an identity crisis - even those who tr y to put the experience behind them. Constant reminders are everywhere. They fe el guilt when the topic of infidelity arises , whether in the media, in conversations with family and friends, or at home with their husbands.

Women in this stage can no longer express their prior disdain for infidelity without feeling like a hypocrite. They fe el as though they ha ve lost a part of themselves. Reflecting society's belief that women are either "good" or "bad," women will question their "good girl" status and fe el that they might not be deserving of their husbands. Many will tr y to overcome feelings of guilt by becoming more attentive toward and appreciative of their husbands.

However, over time many women will move from appreciation to justification. In order to justify their continued desire for other men, women will begin to attribute th e se desires to needs that are not being met in the ir marriage, or to their husband's past behavior.

Many women will become negative and sarcastic when speaking of their husbands and their marriages and it is not uncommon for an extramarital affair to follow. Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce.

W omen who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They fe el "alive" again and many believe they ha ve found their soul mates.

These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically refer red to as being in love. These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe that what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable to end their affairs. Many often tr y several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they w ill vow that it w ill be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions.

Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are u naware that they ha ve become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship.

Many live in a state of limbo for years. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women's past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands. The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a "search for self.

They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving the ir current situation. W omen at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most th ink that eventually their confusion w ill disappear. T hey think they w ill eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers.

S eparati on allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up t he security of their marriages. H usbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife's disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a "good girl.

Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair , and the ending may not have been their decision.

They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to an other women who w as single. W omen whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically u naware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry.

As a result, many will feel that they ha ve m issed their chance at happiness due to their i ndecisiveness. Believing they ha ve become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a "new" relationship that will g i ve them the feeling they experience d in their affairs. A new relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their "good girl" status.

Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard the ir marriage until they ma ke a decision.

Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on. The women in stage four included those who chose to stay married and continue their affairs and those who chose to divorce. Some of the women who continued their affairs stated that marital sex was improved by maintaining the extramarital relationship. Some thought the lover was a soul mate, but for one reason or another did not leave their husband and did not feel torn between the two.

Others realized that their feelings were intensified by not sharing day-to-day living arrangements with their lover. Almost all of the women in this latter category were having affairs with married men. They believed their affairs could continue indefinitely without disrupting either partner's primary relationship.

The women who chose divorce and were in the beginning stages of a new relationship typically expressed relief at having finally made a decision and reported feeling normal again. Many of the divorced women who had remarried and were several years into their new marriages seemed somewhat reluctant to talk about the specifics of their past experiences. However, they did mention feelings of guilt and regret for having hurt their children and ex-spouses only to find themselves experiencing similar feelings in the new relationship.

Female infidelity will not only continue to be extremely common but it will also continue to be on the rise. Women are cheating and relationships are ending because men and women lack necessary information. T oday's relationship problems are not only solvable, but many can be easily solved - once you understand what the real problem is.

The information in Women ' s Infidelity should be common knowledge to couples, both married and unmarried , and to dating males and females.

T rying to have a relationship today without th e i nformation in this book is like to trying to read without knowing the letters of the alphabet. Reviews and Letters from Readers. Yours however, is exceptional. This kind of insight simply was not available anywhere else. My wife was able to tell me the truth last night while we had a good heart-to-heart conversation.

I have been married for 7 years and have a 3 year old at home. I have not engaged in an affair but over but over the last few months have definitely considered looking for it Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I know my whole family is goin g to benefit from this information.

As a psychologist I did have occasion to study marriage and marriage counseling to some degree but my primary interest has always been in working with children and adolescents. Clearly there is a significant absence of information such as yours being disseminated to graduating psychologists in training.

Having been down the marital breakup path, I can also clearly attest to the accuracy of your conclusions. I do thank-you for writing such an insightful and informative book and will share it with my numerous friends who are currently experiencing similar marital challenges, as well as some of my professional colleagues who are more directly involved in working with couples. I wish to congratulate you I have a better understanding of what has happened.

Her relationship did not get physical, but it would have eventually, I'm sure. Understanding why is a huge part of forgiving her I've made more progress with your book in a few hours than we have with a therapist in 6 weeks. With any luck, you may have been a major factor in saving our marriage.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. We can never thank you enough. I believe it was key to saving our marriage. Before reading your book, I had been living in limbo for almost two years. I was so confused and I felt like I was going crazy.

I even went to a psychologist to try and figure out what was wrong with me. I had just about given up all hope and then I heard you on the radio talking about your book.

Thank you so much for writing this book. For the first time in a long time I finally feel like I'm getting back to normal again.

I was wondering why this was happening so I ordered your book. I received your book the other day and read it cover to cover. This allows for a greater level of relaxation and confidence during sexual activity, and this in turn will produce much better and more enjoyable sex for both the man and the woman.

And because inevitably hormones are declining, and your sex drive with them, in many cases sex becomes the result of emotional attachment rather than simply physical desire — which makes it more satisfying and fulfilling for almost everybody.

Where a couple find sex less rewarding and fulfilling, the reason is likely to be some kind of emotional issue — perhaps a man or his partner has failed to accept the fact that aging is inevitable, with all the implications this has for damage to self-image. It relies on emotional stability, emotional maturity, and acceptance of what is, rather than what you would like things to be. Women, too, need to look after their health — circulatory problems can often be caused or made worse by obesity.

There is a widespread view that sex for women ends around the time of the menopause. What is more surprising is that these sexual problems were not limited to any particular age group: The question is of course how many women over 50 are aware of this, and how many of them know how to grasp their sexual potential and enjoy it to the full.

Culturally, we live in a society where women over 50 have traditionally not been seen as particularly sexually active, and certainly not sexually active with men much younger than themselves. However, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence that men in their 30s, and possibly even younger, find women in their 50s increasingly attractive. Sex is entering a whole new territory: Women over 50, given all the advantages of a place in life where they can relinquish responsibility for family and home, begin to focus more on themselves; potentially they have more discretionary income and the freedom to help them enjoy it; above all, these days, they may find themselves the object of sexual desire from men in a way they never expected to encounter at this time of life.

And, of course, the other thing that helps women cope with life changes is that they are used to them — for women, change in status and expectations are common as they move from adolescence into young womanhood, then to marriage or relationship, then to motherhood. Later, as they let the children go, they move into the adventures of midlife and the menopause…no wonder a woman has the experience of and ability to cope with change! Furthermore, after the age of 50 a woman has no agenda about having children, and her biological clock has stopped ticking.

This is something that can happen to all women, not just those who find themselves single in midlife: Gail Sheehy coined the terms first adulthood and second adulthood. In other words, you need to adapt your expectations and beliefs about life and yourself to be able to enjoy your second adulthood beyond fifty years of age, and to feel less anxiety and greater self-confidence and fulfillment.

A natural transition beyond the age of 50 for both men and women is to find yourself feeling less competitively driven, feeling a pull to take on a role that is more like that of mentor or teacher to those younger than yourself.

The mellowing that occurs in the majority of people after the age of 50 means that their focus may well be different to the years before: And at the same time, we recognize that these are easy words to say, because many women are trapped in marriages where sex has died, or where the relationship itself is simply not fulfilling any longer. The question for many women then is: And what is going to happen to me? Is this about this emotional fulfilment, or sexual fulfilment, or both?

As far as this website is concerned, the emphasis is on achieving greater sexual pleasure and satisfaction, no matter what your life situation, after the age of We will have a look at many issues as we go through the various aspects of achieving sexual satisfaction after 50, including male sexual desire or, rather, the lack of it!

A woman in her 50s is often moving from a position where she serves others like parents, teachers, husbands, lovers, partners, and other powerful people, into a place where she seeks greater mastery and independence: She can stop pleasing other people, and start pleasing herself; she may feel a sense of power, or a desire to achieve independence and fulfilment in some other way. Possibly what underlies all of this is a search for meaning that emerges round about midlife in most human beings.

The search for meaning encompasses many things, and its exact nature is different in almost everyone, because what is emotionally and psychologically significant to each of us is slightly different. What lies at the root of the search for meaning is a search for personal fulfillment. This can take any form — you can think of it, in shorthand, as the opportunity to actually achieve something personally significant.

Along with this change there ought to be a natural sense of something evolving or dying as you give birth to new dreams, new aspirations, new expectations, and hopefully more fulfilling relationships.

It seems that women over 50 are not as willing as they once were to settle for the stability of a marriage that has no intimacy, emotional connection, or sexual fulfillment. Her interviews and research in this group demonstrated that women seem to divide fairly natural into five groups which she called: Passionates; Seekers; WMDs women married, dammit!

They usually had a measure of financial independence, and passionate about their work or a cause, and usually involved with someone romantically — whether that be post-divorce or in a long-term marriage.

These women often say that they enjoy more romance and novelty in their sex play since the children left home, and many of them have been widowed, but have found new sexual relationships easily. Seekers look forward to new relationships eagerly, anticipating the pleasure of being in sexual relationship with great satisfaction.

Judging by the descriptions that Sheehy gives of her interviewees and participants, these women have always found sex important, but in this period of their life it assumes a new importance: The third category that Sheehy identified was that of WMD. They were women who were frustrated by marriages that had been sexually or emotionally empty for some time, or women who felt victimized by a man who was an alcoholic, an adulterer, or lacking in fundamental masculine values power, compassion, inner strength, vulnerability, etc.

Most of these women had given up on sex: These women were resigned rather than happy. In many cases they had long-standing marriages, though sex had often dwindled to zero. In general they seemed to have personalities that were anxious or shy, or they lacked the confidence to seek out sexual relationships. Also — you can get more information here. Most of them were married, and most of the rest were divorced; the only thing that they all had in common was that they had had a lowered libido since going through the menopause.

Once again, like the SQs, they put very little energy into seeking any change in their situation. Sheehy makes the point that these categories are not fixed, in the sense that we can move between different categories at different points in our lives, a fact which might be encouraging for women who feel stuck in a situation that seems suffocating and prevents them from growing. One of the things that comes across again and again in her book is that women over 50 who make the leap out of a dead or dying relationship — whether propelled by desperation or by desire — say that they are having the best sex of their lives.

Is good health essential, or financial independence? Do you need to be an optimistic personality to attract a mate who wants to enjoy sex with you?

Or is it about your luck? In some sense passion is the thing that drives every aspect of human life. Finding something you love to do is essential for your spiritual fulfilment. What was that idea, that dream, the thing that motivated you, that you always wanted to achieve or to do?

And there is a fundamental link between finding the passionate pursuit that will enliven the second half of your life, and reopening the doorway to sexual pleasure, real intimacy, and companionship. The most profound aspect of this philosophy is the belief that the object is to reach mature love and a sense of meaning and purpose that lasts until the end of your life.

Gail Sheehy also claims that the third thread of the passionate life is spiritual exploration: What to make of this? For those who have come here looking for advice on how to be sexier after 50, talk about spiritual pastimes and a meaningful purpose in life may be somewhat overwhelming.

I think life can be lived perfectly well in the absence of deep spiritual fulfillment as long as there are plenty of small but meaningful episodes in everyday life that sustain you spiritually. Indeed, the principle behind all of this website is that great sex within the context of a good life is easily achievable for everyone, at all ages.

This acts as a beacon that attracts people, including possible life companions. A life lived passionately is likely to be a life in which the enjoyment of sex features predominantly. Gail Sheehy talks of the five phases of a passionate existence in midlife. For a long-married couple who are still together and wish to stay that way, the romance of the new can be sparked in unexpected ways, such as the first holiday they have together after the departure of the last child from the family home.

In the context of a personal relationship, or a new dream, or a new spiritual focus, the excitement and romance of the new can propel woman towards a new and passionate life.

In terms of romantic and sexual relationships, the romantic renaissance is often a short lived affair, but it can serve to bring you back in touch with the sexual side of your being. Given the opportunity to seize a chance to reconnect with sexual energy, many people in midlife have taken what another man or woman has to offer, even when they know that the person is not a suitable long-term mate or partner. Many women and men who begin dating again in midlife will find a partner who gives them the gift of great sex and new sexual skills, helping them to move on in their search for a new existence.

The pain of loss and abandonment can be considerable, as many women who have been divorced and left to fend for themselves by husbands who have searched out younger partners can testify. By using a series of exercises which help you to shed any inappropriate and outmoded rules and regulations that have governed your life up till now, you can change the beliefs which underpin your philosophy of life.

Sheehy quotes Goethe, who wrote: This describes the dramatic change in needs which can occur for somebody in their 50s. Certainly, the shadow of death lies ahead of us — death being the one certainty for all of us — and this means people may change their priorities, they may look towards the light of faith, or they may become more spiritual in some very personal way.

One of the best antidote is to the anxiety of later middle age to have a deep and meaningful connection with another person, sometimes from a marriage that began years ago and has grown steadily as times have gone by, and sometimes from a new start in midlife.

Iamges: midlife dating

midlife dating

In fact, it would simply be a mistake to end a relationship or make other life-changing decisions prior to reading my books. On the female side of this equation, a lot of people believe that women become much less interested in sex after menopause — but the truth is diametrically opposite. W h en I was going through it, I felt like I had an ailment, a condition of some sort.

midlife dating

This acts as a beacon that attracts people, including possible life companions.

midlife dating

T hey become ang ry and resentful. This can take any form — you midlife dating think of it, in shorthand, as the opportunity to actually achieve something personally significant. Sometimes, datibg talking - in love, marriage, or parenting - riddles the relationship with holes. Gail Sheehy In her book Sex and dating site for juggalos Seasoned WomanGail Sheehy provides plenty of examples drawn from real life women whom she interviewed while writing her account of midlife changes. Find midlife dating why cheating emotionally or midlife dating can catapult women into a full-blown identity crisis. As a psychologist I did have occasion to study marriage midlife dating marriage counseling to some degree but my primary interest has always been in working with children and adolescents.