#992: “My husband is dating my mom.”
It can do very strange things to it. Assuming the wife did indeed write this, one small piece of advice—stop saying these things. I think the other aspect of honesty that sets people back is that dishonesty is pronounced in the gay community. July 3, at 9: Have a good day!! May 25, at 1:
Advice. Staircase Wit. Faux Pas. Movies.
Most gay Sugar Babies are of the Twinkish variety between , and are struggling to pay for rent, college, or just have a desire to explore the world without having to worry about expenses. The only caveat, make sure you explain yourself well via email or over the phone, am often amazed how badly some people do that! Addonizio and Laux have taught tons of classes and stuff together, and are some of the most phenomenal poets to ever exist. I will also tell somebody they better sleep with me or threaten to have them terminated because im that much of a loser and that desperate of a person that i cant get laid or get anybody to go out with me for legit reasons. What a sad, intriguing letter — and a great reply. My union has assured me they will never grow in size and I will receive an excellent pension once eternity ends.
Also, forgiveness is for when someone has a stopped doing the harmful thing and b apologized. I give you permission to ignore the entire concept of forgiveness for now. Even if they agreed to end things, is there any going back to the life you thought you had, where your husband is a safe haven who will always leave the light on for you while you explore your addictions totally unproblematic day-drinking hobby?
Cool, okay, well, have a good day. Do you think things are working well between us? Did you sit around trying to come up with the most hurtful, appalling thing you could do to me?
Even though they are pretty reasonable questions given the situation? Because if you actually talk about it with them, it will become real? You were hiding from your own life in that pub, all those days of passing out and killing time with grubby men in grubby places.
Drinking in your car and presumably driving? Something has been permanently lost or damaged, and, while I understand the fantasies, breaking these two people up will not restore whatever it is or was.
So, please, please, please: Take the kind of loving care of yourself that you wish someone else would take for you. Radically intervene in your own life to take care of yourself. And then cut him and your mom out of your life entirely.
Before that talk, I think it is time to call on any and all resources you can find who are not your husband or your mother. Other family members who you can count on. A divorce attorney solicitor where you are? A medical doctor for a complete checkup.
Also, no more hiding out, no more monitoring your husband and your mom. Drag everything into the light and deal with it. You told us your story, so tell a therapist and a friend. Start imagining yourself in a different kind of future, where you are free of them and have a fresh start. You are only 34 years old! The thing will probably perish on its own without you in the middle providing a dramatic focus. Even if they stay together forever gloriously in love mashing their perfect bodies together for the rest of time?
Lie or oog people out? Ok, finally, I think your drinking problem is an actual problem that deserves serious, thorough, compassionate, loving treatment. You have an illness that is slowly eating your life. Maybe it ate your marriage a few bites at a time. None of that makes you a terrible person who needs to hide in the bushes from the assholes in her life, it makes you human. It makes you deserving of care and compassion and help and second chances and third chances and fresh starts.
Glass , by Kim Addonizio. Antilamentation , by Dorianne Laux. Be well, Letter Writer. You are related to a bunch of assholes and I hope you get free very soon. B I know the comments in my mod queue recommending step programs and other alcohol treatment programs are kindly meant and coming from people who have used them successfully. But until the LW asks for that kind of help, they are a distraction, and they tend to attract a lot of thread-jacking debate that I have to clean up.
C Closing comments as of 11 pm Thursday because my moderation queue and spam trap are a dumpster fire and I need to sleep sometime. Compassionate response as always, Captain. LW, I hope you can get things straightened out and get your life on track. Kudos on a compassionate and non judgmental reply to this letter. Someday with the benefit of being separated from this whole hot mess, LW will be sober, but her husband and mom will still be assholes.
It is a disease that takes a great deal of sacrifice and work to overcome. And, in point of fact, many people never do overcome their alcoholism. It is a disease with a sadly high death rate. I want to give LW a huge, huge hug but also to tell her: I was in a serious car accident last year.
Please do not drink and drive. It is not just your safety that you risk. Sending Jedi hugs and good wishes for your recovery. I saw it linked yesterday on Twitter, too: The LW talks a lot in the comments of that post, and every time she did I lost more sympathy for her.
I mean LW has made some pretty terrible decisions here… and then her mom and husband responded by burning everything relationship-related to the ground forever. I feel like one person behaving terribly does not diminish other people also behaving terribly. I agree with this sentiment. You really need to take a deep breath and spend some time alone figuring out just what you do want. As if women were forever vetoed of enjoying their sexuality after they hit 50!
Think, Postcards From The Edge. Her mother who chose to fuck her husband. Someone who was raised with the attitude that your worth is in your looks and youth is right on schedule with this — look at how she talks about her own body, too.
Society is a more likely source, imo. I have seen a lot of good parents with awful children, and good kids with awful parents. CA did a great job reminding her that it takes two. This all feels like something designed to force a final decision about the breakup of the marriage. Wise choice, at that! Especially some of the bigger subs, like relationships.
I only mentioned it because I thought the advice here was so much better. I feel you on this. He got a horrible, inappropriate revenge, but she clearly left him. Maybe leaving the husband was…self-preservation? A fumbling towards happiness and safety and a place where people treat her well? Maybe not a good or functional one? I agree with all the people who say the house of the relationship is burning. Who set it on fire? Time to get to safety. The two who were closest to you came together to figure out what was going on with you.
Also if you had moved that far away from them emotionally, they might not have thought that you cared. Showing up together where you were known to be to get some kind of closure was cowardly. They should have told you to your face separately.
But people do cowardly stuff all the time when it comes to dating a best friend or a sibling. The Captain is right about still being young and having a chance at a better life and a happier you. Try to take this as a wake up call so that things can be better. It sounds like the LW started the dysfunction. I mean, becoming an alcoholic and it sounds like because of that choosing to move out of your house to live with your lover and abandon your husband for months, well of course he found somebody else.
I have a suspicion! And he chose to pursue and develop a romantic and sexual relationship with that specific one and not mention it. LW is also in an inappropriate relationship with alcohol. Sure they went about it wrong but LW is also not going about things perfectly?
Do you have to be perfect before you get to be upset when your husband falls in love with your mom? Nope, no one has to be perfect — no one even can be perfect. Did they have a conversation that was forgotten? Did they know where she was?
Ultimately what it comes down to is: If she does NOT actually like her lifestyle with the drinking and lover, she needs to work on that before she can build healthy new relationships. I have to admit, my initial, knee-jerk reaction to the letter was vastly unsympathetic and entirely unhelpful. But having read her comments on reddit, I just feel sorry for her.
Being in an open relationship does not mean your partner has carte blanche to date literally anyone in the world. Any decent person in an open relationship would talk to their spouse before embarking on an affair with a relative or close friend of the spouse. I mean, who does this?? Listen to the captain, not to Reddit. Things that were seismic in our family life, and also things that were said, or happened, when I thought he was sober.
And I know my attitudes and actions seemed hurtful and bewildering to my husband, because he had forgotten things that would have made sense of my behaviours. This is absolutely true. One of the things that I think may be difficult to understand if you have not been around someone who regularly got blackout drunk or if you have not been someone who regularly got blackout drunk is how much it affects your brain.
It can do very strange things to it. It can cause you to not be able to create long-term memories of certain periods of time—periods of time where you seemed to be entirely lucid. It can also cause you to remember the words and actions of a particular interaction but to forget the emotional underpinnings. It can erase memories that had previously been indelible. My step father was initially a positive influence in my life, and loved as a parent. As his drinking became worse, he became progressively more abusive.
By the time I was a teenager it was survival mode for me. Avoiding my home as much as possible kept me sane and alive. Her Mom and Husband are being flamingly awful people, though. When I was still with my most recent ex, who was dating other people, I asked that he not date anyone in my family, on my dissertation committee, or in the class I was teaching.
There was still a world of people remaining. It gets so much worse than described here…but my point is that people really do experience soap opera worthy plot lines in their own lives. LW, I agree with CA…you need to let your marriage and your relationship with your mom go and take care of yourself! Please take care of yourself and do what you are able to change that.
Take yourself away from people who hurt you and break your trust. When you feel ready to, seek some help to reduce your dependence on alcohol. Find some means to support yourself and some supportive and nice people to surround yourself with.
That you value relationships that revolve around long talks, and not spending every night in bars. Actually, to me anyway, it sounds almost as if the husband wrote this. It feels more likely somebody out to make polyamourists seem as awful on both sides. I got the same vibe for the same reasons.
The level of self-hatred and denial in this letter seem pretty consistent for someone who is in a very self-delusional phase of addiction. Before I managed to extricate myself from my shitty abusive parents I described myself in similarly awful language all the time. That was more how I read it—suppressed anger, hatred, self-loathing. Assuming the wife did indeed write this, one small piece of advice—stop saying these things.
LW, whatever is going on, you are in pain. Try to avoid negative self-talk; no need to hurt yourself more. Granted I read a lot of dubious story ideas so am biased, but this sounds exactly like them. Oh, LW, I am so sorry, but, I think that marriage is dead. Please take care of yourself. I highly recommend living in your own space for a bit.
Choose it yourself and make it yours. You deserve a space that you control. I also highly recommend a therapist to talk things over with. Get this stuff out of your head and talk it over with a professional so the space in your head is also yours and belongs to you. LW, a therapist is a good place to start, a healthy place to vent these feelings and start trying to find some solutions that will help you claw your way out of the pit.
I wish you well, and I hope that you can build a happier and healthier life. Second on the suggestion to get your own space, LW. Not with another lover, someplace, however small, that is under your control, for you.
I had exactly the opposite reaction: Not to tell you how to run your website, Cap, but LW or someone who lifted her letter and reposted it, who knows?
Thanks for the warning. I gave into curiosity and went over to Reddit. The comments are actually not that bad — I was expecting some really nasty stuff, but for the most part they were shorter, less compassionate versions of what you said, CA.
The top comment when I just checked was compassionate and also advised against revenge. But I did see the LW posting — she said that she did end up confronting her mother and husband last night? As always, thank you for your advice, CA. I think you do a great job keeping things balanced and in perspective. When they arrive, they post these rants on every board and thread, over and over, until they get banned; every now and then they find a way back again.
It was kind of a relief to find out the stories posted at length under the various handles were fabricated. This is an hugely upsetful thing. I really hope you can get maybe some counseling? Because this is an incredibly painful thing and you need someone to talk to who is trained to help you grieve.
Please, please, please be safe and take care of yourself. And stay off Reddit, if you can. LW, please stop saying mean things about your body. I struggle with self compassion A LOT. It is so hard. You want to take better care of your body? Start by acknowledging that your body deserves being taken care of. I needed this for myself really badly.
You can come out of this! LW, please free yourself from wanting the good opinion of people who decided to be mind-blowing assholes. Granted, they were much younger right out of university and the mother had just gotten divorced, but there should pretty much never be an excuse for this.
It was awkward for a year or two all around. Once the ex-boyfriend was an ex to both, my friend and her mother have been able to rebuild their relationship. I hope you can prioritize getting away from this junkiness and getting to know yourself. Please grasp whatever time and space you can to process this. You definitely need to stop stalking them, as you called it, LW.
I agree with Captain that you should just get it all out in the open. Oh, LW, this is so messed up, the only part of this triangle you control is your side; I hope you can cleanly and openly remove yourself. There are many ways you can do this. Good luck to you!
It is, rather, a way of thinking, and continues long after you have stopped drinking. It is a voice in the head: I certainly see it that way: I care about your continuing to live. I hope you find help. I hope it comes soon. It seems like you kind of left your marriage by degrees, or at least, shoved it to the back burner, and your husband decided to force your hand, as it were. Your marriage is over. LW, as the Captain said, take care of yourself. You are at a crossroads. You can let this push you further down into a bottle, or you start fresh, clear away the ashes, and build a new life for yourself.
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Did i mention im extremely obese and that nobody wants me did I also mention that im so stupid that I would leave a papertrail of online comments against somebody that can save them and file a lawsuit against me by getting a subpoena with a copy of my ip adress? Well I do apologize im not very smart thats why I try and force people to have sex with me. I know nobody will ever want me. I dont take rejection very well. Nobody has the right to not sleep with me Im such a bitter ugly ass person on the inside and out.
When people reject my advances I become a messy trouble starting bitch. If only I was a good person and not a fugly ass slob with no morals or ethics than maybe just maybe somebody would want me. My co workers better sleep with me or I will spread lies and cause drama for them. Because im such a fabulous manipulative queen I will get everyone to believe my lies though.
I will also tell somebody they better sleep with me or threaten to have them terminated because im that much of a loser and that desperate of a person that i cant get laid or get anybody to go out with me for legit reasons.
Hi christopher,seems as though u are extremely hard on yourself. And I also like to help people find the good in themselves. Hi im a fugly ass man princess nobody wants me or ever will so I steal other peoples information and post lies on the internet about people who refuse to have sex with me for attention.
You better have sex with me or i will have people harass you and spread lies about you to people dumb enough to believe them did i mention you better have sex with me or i will turn people against you. Hi,My name is Justin and i looking for someone who can help take care of me i have a mental disability i am good at hygiene and stuff but not good at life one of my probs is social phobia and i may hear voices but i am very calm i have a roommate hes very nice but i want someone i can be with in a loving kind of way although i have never been with another person i am told i have alot of love to offer but thats it i think i dont have money or anything so if you want to talk and see how i am i would love to talk.
It was truly awful. I went to the ER just to be safe as I never get sick first time in 3 years so I was rather concerned. It took me a week to get over it. Naturally, I am much more confused now, then when it all started.
When it rains, it pours men, that is. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the chemistry or people, but the scheduling. Reading some SB ads, I think some expect finding to solve their problems for life, again, unrealistic.
Any SB I hope to set up with would be sane, and have other things going on their life eg school, career etc. My SB seems to be sort of lukewarm, but I also have limited time, and so does he, so I guess it is fair for both of us. Sorry for my tardy response, but I got rather busy, which also included a bout of swine flu.
Avoid the flu, trust me, it is nasty. The blog has died once again. Where are all the gay SDs and SBs? This is simply pitiful! Has anyone else found that the SDs who want to mentor someone are usually not up to the task? I had never even thought of craigslist. After you mentioned it, I took a look and the ads scared me off. Do you have a disposable email I could contact you at?
Anyhow, I hope things are still going well with your SB! SisyphusSB my sb seems to be okay for now. Tis sort of we go along on a simple plan which pleases me anyways, and he keeps coming back, so he must be happy.
My degree was in history, but I have extensive accounting and finance training as well. So I am sort of an odd ball that way. But I have enjoyed most of it. I think on this site there are many fakes both SD and SB. I also think some of each have weird or unrealistic expectations.
I seen a few SB profiles that seemed to have inflated expectations. The painful reality is there are far more SB than SD. I have been MIA for quite some time. My schedule is a cruel experiment in the limits of pain thresholds and mental punishment. Michael, I can be quite opinionated too, my teachers hate it when I point out their mistakes: I hate it even more when they ask flawed questions so it is not possible to answer correctly!
I agree with you completely. Whatever happens in the bedroom is fine, but if it follows you outside, there is a problem. The largest problem is when there is nothing outside the bedroom. I cut off contact from all the people like that in my life some time ago now. With a problem like that, I count myself lucky. The long distance seems to be a problem, regardless of wealth.
People of all shapes and sizes seek convenience. And by real life suitors, I mostly mean, turning people down as nicely as possible and hoping no drama results from the situation.
Some people think your willing to sleep around simply because you are gay…and get angry when you say no. Best of luck to you though. This site hasnt worked out very well for me but its cool cuz I seem to find good men in person. But, does this site work for you guys? Or what has been going on? It seems a lot sketchy ish guys that only check this so often are on here … slightly annoying but I think one time itll work out.
Alright… Ill try to check this often but forgive me I do not … School, work, and more work …. Agree this gay sugar blog seems to keep dying. Hope some others can chime in, even if only from time to time.
You would think a bunch of gay men would have something to say…. I have done a great deal of that stuff, not because it was my kink, but my partners wanted to play at various things, and if I gave them what they wanted I got what I wanted — even if mine was tamer.
It was hot too. I agree someone with a sense of humour is charmer in their own right. Laughing is more fun. My meetings with my SB have been fun for the few we have had.
Both of us are sort of busy. With him in the picture I am putting off joining SA for now. In one sense I am trying to develop a feel for how to approach all this.
SB certainly seem to be diverse in their expectations. School can be fun, but also develops a tedium as you want to get on with it. I was at university in my 30s and really enjoyed it. Was very outspoken in classes, and not always endearing to profs, tho most liked that it certainly livened up the classes.
Generally, a refreshing change even if the chemistry could be better. I think I may forever be searching for the gay version of Steve Martin I admit, I have a very large crush on him. Generally, I love people who are charming with a sense of humour. Have you taken the plunge to join SA? How are things going with your potential SB? It can be insanely competitive…and I can be a bit obsessive lol…to the point of eschewing eating for perfecting unimportant details that no one will ever see.
How is life treating you? I know you mentioned how busy you were before, have things slowed down enough for you to start enjoying the end of summer? Your closet case will probably drop you like a hot potato when you do not put out. IF he sticks about, then you may wish to evaluate him differently over time. One of my best pieces of advice would be to take your time, do not let yourself be rushed, regardless of who it is.
As for door number 2, if he can handle you being on your own, it could develop nicely. I am very leery of anyone moving in with me on short notice — seen too many disasters with my friends, so have never done that myself.
Good on ya for architecture school and so on. Nothing wrong with gradually moving out of the shell so to speak, but at a pace comfortable for you. So long as that continues, there is potential. I think for any SB, surrendering independence is an issue, so you should think it out first.
As for my new SB, second major meeting is about to happen, and it is promising for now. It has gone better than I expected. Most people when they meet me relax if they are good at reading people, as they realize I am a no bs type, and even friendly!
What type of friendship do you have with the SD? Do you talk to him often? What changed for you to start liking or considering mature men? I hope your sugar search is going well. Thank you for the well thought out advice Michael!
Nothing will happen with the closeted guy, I just hate having to say no to people or cut them out of my life. I have an irrational need to be friends with everyone and drama free. He is controlling with certain things, like the food we eat. The idea of being dependent on someone else really freaks me out. I would have trouble asking him or anyone to pay for that for me, or discuss how someone might spend money on me. Have you set up the second meet yet?
Let us know how it develops. The closet case who is pressuring you to have a sex only relationship with him on the sly is the sort I generally recommend against. Basically if he gets what he wants sex with you he is indifferent to others, usually including you.
Lying is to my mind and my experience a self-destroying behaviour. I would recommend you be cautious if you pursue anything with him — and yes I recognize an incredibly brief description by you above is not the most objective way for me to evaluate him. Besides you are uncomfortable, which basically tells you to either avoid it, or wait and see. As for your rich BF or SD, his pressuring you into moving in with him seems potentially controlling.
I would suggest you discuss your goals in life school, hobbies etc and see how he responds. In this situation you could be frank and discuss barriers for you eg paying books and tuition as an evolution of your goals etc.
Note how he responds, is it possible to steer him into the sugar relationship you are already seeking? You may have to speak obliquely initially, but then it depends on how he responds. To borrow a popular political phrase: You may be able to get him to let you live separately pro tem, and then decide gradually if you wish to try living together.
Depending on your province, you will likely be adjudged to be common-law after two years of living together and should he break the relationship, you have legal grounds.
If he is also new to coming out, he may be in a hurry. If he has been out awhile he should probably know better. In his place I would be thrilled to keep you living apart, but where we spend time together etc.
Yes even if you are drop-dead gorgeous, it is better to take my time and work with you that way. IF you want to see if he is controlling, how does he treat you when you are together? From little things to big things, they all add up.
Not to mention how is he towards others. If you are really bold, ask him about previous young men he dated, there will be lots of clues there. Hope you will enjoy the blog too. Tis good if we have our own gay one, the issues are different from the other side of the fence, but of course not always.
To answer your question, I am not in a relationship and generally no longer am seeking that. I think a friendly SB with whom I have a connection, would do well for me. I looked for a lover for over 25 years and I have gotten bored with the hunt so to speak. A lack of good results will do that to ya. I have recently been seeing a young man, who I met elsewhere. Am setting up another time with him and so far so good. He was much friendlier than I expected, I was expecting someone shy, which he is not!
One of my preferences see my posts above is to be honest, so I would not be having affairs on the side etc. Hi Stephen, and lurkers. They provide no support of course, I support myself. Thoughtfulness is a big turn on for me. They just have more experience and know how to treat a person, no drama. My situation is becoming more complex by the week lol. He wants me to move in with him and we just went on a trip to a major city in the US.
He wants to go somewhere else before I return to school. I have been somewhat of a lurker on the site as far as my sugar daddy seeking. When i first joined about a year and 3 months ago I got a few responses, and i had one date planned with a potential, but I skipped it because I felt guilty about my boyfriend — which I now regret.
I like what you guys have done with the place. Physically I tend to be attracted to all types of guys. How has your sugar journey been going?
Are you in a relationship? Have you been or do you want to be? I guess I fit the stereotype for the older, distinguished man as well.
I think Young-Looking for the 1 may have disappeared…. Have you had much luck in finding SDs on here? What are you physically attracted to? Well what do I look for physically? On the other hand, I insist on brains, I need someone to talk to! Ironically I get along very well with young people, as I do meet a fair number in my life. And SisyphusSB, I can do the suit routine very well, but almost never bother. I am a blue jeans and denim shirt sort of guy.
I was just teasing Michael. I know, as you said in previous posts, that you are honest. I am the same way and I suspect if honest people started to lie, they would not be known as the well respected, loyal person they are, for much longer. What are you usually attracted to Michael? What about you, Young looking for the 1? Obviously nothing is written in stone, there are always exceptions.
Well I could have blossomed into a seasoned con artist as all my friends do trust me as I just refuse to lie. Some personal issues I might decline to discuss, but I would disclose that, yet keep my dignity.
The benefits are obvious, I keep my integrity [important to me anyways] and my friends still trust me after all these years [also important to me].
So I am not a con artist, as I do not want to be. For Young for the 1: The initial SB I will contact will be local ones, partly as it is safer and of course easier.
IF they do not work out, I will move further afield. Then my plan is to visit them if possible. In that case I think most people would already know if they are going to, or willing to, sleep with that person especially in the gay community where things seem to move quicker.
As for the chemistry…we are all neophytes in this game called life! I do not want to be in constant competition with an ever changing cast of bar stars lol.
If drinking is involved, I would rather it be at home or in a lounge where we can passionately debate argue? Haha…yes, wet indeed…another reason I stay away from partyers. I found it all quite entertaining of course. The number of those who have lied to me is very high, and unfortunately for me, the number of those who have done it successfully is very low.
I think being able to see through people actually puts one at a disadvantage. Ignorance is bliss right? So have you blossomed into a seasoned con artist? There have been a couple, that after a few emails, we both pulled back…if someone is disinterested in me I am generally also disinterested in them.
I tend to mirror the personalities around me so if someone is quiet or anxious, they make me feel anxious and more introverted. There was only one who I talked with quite extensively who surprised me when he disappeared. It completely baffled me and I have given up trying to understand it. How short was the email? Was there anything else to it aside from what you wrote here?
If you genuinely want to get to know him you should show it in your email. Ask questions you might have and let him get to know you as well. Are there any other gay lurkers that would care to share any success or failure they have had in their search? I think the other aspect of honesty that sets people back is that dishonesty is pronounced in the gay community.
Gay men learn to lie very, very effectively to keep their closet when they are young. As a result many of them grow up thinking that is how you have to be, to be gay. Just think about how many gay men you met who were really good at lying to you!
Is it a big number?? For Sisyphus, yes, IF I were to make any such offer, I would have wanted to chat a lot on the phone, not to mention some emails etc, basically to the level of at least some of the framework for any arrangement — which ensures we are compatible on things like expectations etc. I was rather brief on my last blog entry — always a tricky thing to judge. My own take is that I think the personal compatibility is going to be the toughest, and that really is chemistry.
I suspect as a neophyte that it is different from say online dating, but there are some overlaps. I also like intelligence, I need a conversation! Plus the less drama the better. To some extent students or someone with a life that is going somewhere appeals the most to me. I would be curious to hear from both of you on your take on the chemistry side — Young for the 1, that could be the silent treatment you got — then again, you are literate, which might put some SD off, but I would recommend you stay literate!
The comments from both of you are insightful and useful, which I hope will bring me some luck, if not success when I have the time to approach a SB or two. Good luck for both of you guys. Micheal — Your offer is kind of what I would hope for if I was going to come visit. I seem not to go much further than an email or two. And normally the emails are like I think we are a match, we should talk more and arrange something, but then all the sudden they go quite after I reply with a positive but slightly hesitant response.
Young Looking for the 1: As far as sex on the first date, I never say never, but it would be a rare thing. I am always safe regardless. I also have no idea how one might broach the subject of an arrangement.
I know exactly what you mean as far as the honesty thing. I am very honest, especially in my writing and it is surprising, if not off-putting, to some people. As far as the hooking up issue, if I liked the person I was with, it would be something I want to do, and therefore would not feel like an obligation in any way.
I think you are spot on in your thoughts on the SB community. In some ways, this site is simply a tool to expand my dating pool with a potential for other benefits. Perhaps, instead of dinner, there might be a more suitable activity to break the ice, like taking a walk, or doing something unique for that city if the person has never been there before. Have you had any luck yet?
My original thots for long distance SB would be either fly to meet them now my favourite — but with my schedule difficult or bring them to my city.
Basically my plan would have been a lot more generous than what you were offered, ie I would book them a hotel in my city for the duration which I viewed as an easy escape for either of us.
I intended and still intend to pay both such a hotel and the flight. Seems only fair to me, but I have always done my own thing, and I am so honest most people view it as surprising. And generally I would set the first date as dinner only, just to meet, greet and develop an in person rapport, so any the following days is avoidable for either party.
As for hooking up, yes I think there is a different perspective in the gay community, which is why I like this separate blog. In negotiating the visit — to either city, I would include a blunt request for a hookup, but I would also offer some spoiling in return. But I think being very honest and including some escape routes for both sides, I would be taken seriously. Am not sure how much SB have viewed other SB profiles, but there are some mighty different expectations that way.
I think some of the SD on this site view all the SB as being in dire financial situations, which I think is very inaccurate. Many SB seem to be after some mentoring and a boost so to speak, but could continue without it if nothing comes of this site. In other words you could pass on any SD you viewed as a jerk or worse. Then again if a SD or SB for that matter! The only caveat, make sure you explain yourself well via email or over the phone, am often amazed how badly some people do that!
Ive been gone for a bit … SisyphusSB I definitely agree on the whole separate gay blog … but this will kind of due for now. Mike — Ive met one and almost met another. Getting back to the distance, its really a interesting thing, I felt obliged to stay with the one I didnt meet because he was saying Id get my own room and stuff, but he flaked and I had to figure stuff out from there.
It turned into a wonderful weekend for me so its all good, but it makes me nervous for going to meet an SD in a city far away. Im almost always not looking to have sex after saying hello even after a conversation … so planning on staying under the same roof doesnt appeal to me too much. This was a bad experience in terms of trying to meet the SD… but lesson learned. The one I met was really nice and everything went well, it was all good, we talk at times still but we live far away from eachother and its always hard to tell whether I should commit or not.
We didnt talk about any arrangements and any time I mentioned coming to visit it normally meant me paying to come visit and him paying for dinner … Id rather be the one paying for dinner if the other one had to pay for a flight, but thats just me.
Talking about the arrangement is hard, I never know how to go about it … Im probably different from the both of you in that Im not opposed to finding someone serious on here …. What do you think is the best way to bring up an arrangement on here? Specially since hookups in the gay world kind of happen everywhere you turn …. Just one or two boulders…no more than anyone else I am sure.
My union has assured me they will never grow in size and I will receive an excellent pension once eternity ends. As for the naughty…maybe just a little…I suppose it depends on who you ask. Yep, I saw your posts. I agree with the no major problems aspect…for any relationship.
No minor problems would be pretty great too but I think that may be asking too much. A friendly affair sounds about right lol, you should coin that term. Otherwise things would become stale quite quickly. SA really needs to put together an official gay blog. Does anyone else have anything to add? I wonder, are you busy pushing boulders up big hills? Have you done anything really naughty lately?????
You may have seen my post in Sugarpendence, but I would prefer an independent SB. Basically I do not want to babysit anyone. Am happy with the idea of mentoring if my skills and knowledge are transferable to the SB. In a sense I am seeking an affair, that is still warm and friendly, without it being thought of as likely to become permanent.
Right Now, with benefits. Probably will approach the SB in my neck of the woods first, mostly for convenience. Must admit I am leery of the whole thing, but hey, I try things. I can be bold. A big one for me is personality, there would have to be some chemistry of at least casual friendship. If he has to think of England during sex, I would not be interested in him.
Of course, I am not expecting a real relationship from here, friends, or friends with benefits are ok too until I find something more serious. I have yet to physically meet any SDs. They are few and far between north of the border. I have talked extensively with 3 all from the US. One has disappeared, the other 2 have become friends with whom I exchange emails on a regular basis. In my experience, people tend to prefer convenience and are not inclined to do the long distance thing.
To Michael, what are you looking for in a SB? I did not really address part of your question. For an email, I would expect some explanation of what you are after.
It is surprising how divergent SB are and what they expect here on SA. I am not after a life story in an initial email, but perhaps goals and if applicable why my profile caught your eye.
I have met two SB socially who have ads on this site, but was not comfortable bringing up the fact I recognized them, partly it is a delicate topic in a public area to raise and also I am very busy with work. One SB turned out to be pretty far out there in wild, which is not my scene — I am far too boring for him — er that is being diplomatic….
For both you and Sisyphus, how has your experience been in meeting SD? Met any, had any problems or successes?
The answer, really, is it all depends. The rare time I see someone I want to send a message too, I more often than not get a response, even if it is a rejection. There are many reasons, partly as I am insanely busy with several jobs at once altho I think I can solve that by the end of summer! I do try to review the SA site regularly tho, with a major goal of watching.
It has been revealing. In my case I will be looking for honesty in a SB as it is probably difficult to make any arrangement based on dishonesty — remember I am a newbie too.
I am an introvert, so if a SB is seeking a heavy social life, I think I would be rather a ball and chain from his perspective, so I would probably want someone compatible in that sense. I think it will at times be similar to online dating, in wanting to get along, as no amount of spoiling will change it if you are not comfortable with me.
On the other hand since I am seeking a nsa sort of arrangement friends with benefits — real benefits in my case! What do you look for in an email from an SB? Will this ever be updated? I am willing to bet there is a very large pent-up demand in the LGBT community for articles to comment on…. No offense to them, but would like to here from my side of the fence. How would you want to meet a potential SD who lives far from you?
Would you want him to visit you first or, what would encourage you to hop on a plane to fly to his city assuming the SD pays your airfare? Comments and thoughts are welcome. I was wondering if any sugar babies try to get free tickets to the party??
I sent the email requesting for one…how long do I have to wait …anyone? I would love to find a man like that! Thats sorta what i have been looking for, but i havent been able to find a sd like that. And yael, ill be your sb! Can you change it? Yes, it will still take you to the main SA pages when you register… the gay page is not a new site, but it does give gay sugar daddies, sugar mamas and sugar babies looking for sugar on the web a clear signal that they are welcome on SA!
When you register, whichever settings you choose i. It goes to the the SA landing page, the only difference is the photos. If you register with it, it brings you back to the hetero site. Does that make sense? Stephan- okay so then where would you find them?? Do you put up a flag? Wave wildly in a crowd?? Check in closets with a flashlight??? I mean, what do you do??? I am so wishing you all the best. Rich Closeted Gay Men: This is so great! Hopefully we can get to hear from some new people!!
Im glad that sa is revolutionizing this makes me proud! We need to find something to bring them out of their shells!! Leave a Reply Click here to cancel reply. March 16, at 2: February 19, at 9: January 30, at 1: December 20, at 3: September 15, at September 22, at 6: September 14, at 5: August 30, at 5: August 4, at August 1, at 1: July 21, at 4: July 21, at 3: July 4, at 4: July 4, at 3: June 29, at 2: June 29, at 6: June 23, at 7: May 20, at 3: May 19, at 5: May 8, at May 31, at 3: May 2, at 1: May 2, at 4: May 3, at May 9, at 3: May 27, at May 31, at 2: June 29, at 8: August 31, at 9: April 25, at 9: April 20, at May 25, at 1: September 1, at 9: April 19, at 8: April 18, at 2: May 18, at 9: September 9, at 7: April 16, at 8: April 15, at 6: April 15, at 1: June 24, at April 13, at May 21, at 1: April 10, at 2: April 5, at 9: March 28, at 5: April 2, at 5: March 22, at March 29, at April 2, at July 30, at March 29, at 2: April 13, at 4: April 14, at 4: May 6, at 3: May 7, at 5: May 25, at 8: June 17, at 9: June 29, at July 24, at 1: March 19, at 1: March 16, at March 12, at 7: March 6, at 6: March 4, at February 26, at 2: February 24, at 2: April 19, at 5: February 22, at 3: February 21, at 1: Anthony Nicolas Miranda says: April 5, at 3: February 3, at 7: May 31, at February 3, at 2: June 17, at 8: Mr Gabriel East says: February 2, at 6: January 23, at 1: January 23, at 2: April 11, at 3: January 12, at 2: December 22, at 1: December 18, at 1: December 10, at 1: February 3, at December 10, at 8: March 2, at 4: November 28, at 2: November 21, at 5: November 16, at 2: November 15, at 8: December 29, at 2: March 21, at 3: November 15, at 7: November 8, at 5: November 3, at 2: February 7, at 4: October 31, at 8: October 12, at 4: October 11, at 5: October 29, at 1: November 20, at January 13, at 7: August 14, at 3: October 7, at 4: October 2, at 1: September 25, at October 10, at 6: September 23, at 8: September 21, at 1: September 17, at 6: March 10, at 9: September 15, at 5: August 29, at 7: Deans an you tell me where abouts you are in the world says: October 1, at 3: May 4, at 2: August 25, at 9: August 24, at 8: August 23, at August 22, at March 5, at 4: August 14, at August 13, at 4: August 12, at 8: August 6, at August 30, at 6: September 27, at 2: July 31, at 6: July 27, at 9: July 28, at 2: July 24, at July 23, at 5: July 21, at 8: July 20, at 3: July 19, at 7: July 27, at August 10, at September 8, at 3: November 19, at 2: January 29, at July 17, at 8:
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