#992: “My husband is dating my mom.”
Want to read confessions and comments uncensored? LW, the people on Reddit are wrong. Plenty of kids have to go through discomfort when a parent starts dating someone new. March 1, at
Did they have a conversation that was forgotten? Why do you think I'm here? He talks to me all the time and he stops me in the hall to talk to me. Who set it on fire? I wasn't really bi, and didn't want to date him.
Anne intends her responses to provide general information to the readership of this website; answers should not be understood to be specific advice intended for any particular individual s.
Questions submitted to this column are not guaranteed to receive responses. No correspondence takes place. Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen.
Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician. I think you should let sleeping dogs lie.
I see no benefit to you expressing to RJ that you have a crush on him. Doing so will violate the implicit boundary that surrounds your marriage and makes it special from all other relationships.
It will likely cheapen your marriage and weaken your bonds. Maybe that is what your husband is wanting; to weaken your bonds. His encouragement of you to speak to RJ appears passive-aggressive to me, and suggests that he is angry but not expressing it directly.
I personally prefer the former explanation. You fell for him too quickly and too intensely for it to have been based on anything real and solid. You are realting to a fantasy of who he is and not to who he really is.
If you pursue RJ, you are likely to smash into some behavior that makes you confront the fact that he is not who you think he is, and you are likely to become disappointed.
Rather than taking to RJ, the good thing to do would be to explore that fantasy of who you think he is, because that is going to be your map of what you are longing for in a mate.
Getting clear on what you want will enable you to have a better and more explicit dialog with your husband about what you need from him in order to be satisfied in the marriage. You need to work on your marriage with your husband. That might not work either, but, then again, maybe a new therapist, a different approach and some time gone by will do the trick.
You have nothing to lose really. Marriage is about compromising. More "Ask Anne" View Columnists. Would it be possible that your husband has a fantasy of you having sex with another man and is pushing you towards that? A number of men like to fantasize about their wives with other men.
Anne clearly does not place much emphasis on upholding ones integrity. An Aristotelean analysis of this lady would indicate that she implicitely told her husband she wanted to cheat on him and would if placed under the right conditions. Anne was so quick to classify her husband as being "passive-aggressive," but Anne, how would you react if your husband of eight years, not boyfriend or fling, told you he was sexually attracted to your friend and to keep them away from each other because God knows he cannot control himself?
I would argue she was passive-aggressive by telling her husband this - she was telling him something she knew would hurt him because she was unhappy but could not confront him in a respectable manner. I think her husband wants to test her integrity - is he to blame? I would not doubt if she does not hold a job. From the limited information available, she makes no mention of her work, only her husbands, and how she is socializing at parties. Most people who hold jobs will work with people who they view as attractive, but it is nothing a married person should act impulsively on, nor should they tell their spouse about, because of course it is going to hurt them.
If one married before they were mature enough to accept the responsibilities demanded of marriage and cannot control their impulses for other mates, then they should leave the marriage and get back in the dating scene. Unfortunately for this writer, if I am correct, that would mean she would also have to step into the job scene. About 9 years ago I met one of my husband's friends.
I have had a crush on him ever since. I have been open with my husband about it and he's been acceptant to the idea. He's even teased me about having a threesome. I was at first uncomfortable admitting that I wanted to have sex with his friend, but I did. After that my husband used this to arouse me by telling me what he wanted his friend help him do to me. About a year ago, his friend was over and when my husband left the room, he kissed me.
We began making out and my husband walked back into the room and joined in. As things progressed, we moved our actions into the bedroom and had the best sex ever. Someone who was raised with the attitude that your worth is in your looks and youth is right on schedule with this — look at how she talks about her own body, too.
Society is a more likely source, imo. I have seen a lot of good parents with awful children, and good kids with awful parents. CA did a great job reminding her that it takes two. This all feels like something designed to force a final decision about the breakup of the marriage. Wise choice, at that! Especially some of the bigger subs, like relationships. I only mentioned it because I thought the advice here was so much better. I feel you on this.
He got a horrible, inappropriate revenge, but she clearly left him. Maybe leaving the husband was…self-preservation?
A fumbling towards happiness and safety and a place where people treat her well? Maybe not a good or functional one? I agree with all the people who say the house of the relationship is burning.
Who set it on fire? Time to get to safety. The two who were closest to you came together to figure out what was going on with you. Also if you had moved that far away from them emotionally, they might not have thought that you cared. Showing up together where you were known to be to get some kind of closure was cowardly.
They should have told you to your face separately. But people do cowardly stuff all the time when it comes to dating a best friend or a sibling. The Captain is right about still being young and having a chance at a better life and a happier you. Try to take this as a wake up call so that things can be better.
It sounds like the LW started the dysfunction. I mean, becoming an alcoholic and it sounds like because of that choosing to move out of your house to live with your lover and abandon your husband for months, well of course he found somebody else. I have a suspicion! And he chose to pursue and develop a romantic and sexual relationship with that specific one and not mention it. LW is also in an inappropriate relationship with alcohol. Sure they went about it wrong but LW is also not going about things perfectly?
Do you have to be perfect before you get to be upset when your husband falls in love with your mom? Nope, no one has to be perfect — no one even can be perfect. Did they have a conversation that was forgotten? Did they know where she was? Ultimately what it comes down to is: If she does NOT actually like her lifestyle with the drinking and lover, she needs to work on that before she can build healthy new relationships.
I have to admit, my initial, knee-jerk reaction to the letter was vastly unsympathetic and entirely unhelpful. But having read her comments on reddit, I just feel sorry for her. Being in an open relationship does not mean your partner has carte blanche to date literally anyone in the world. Any decent person in an open relationship would talk to their spouse before embarking on an affair with a relative or close friend of the spouse. I mean, who does this??
Listen to the captain, not to Reddit. Things that were seismic in our family life, and also things that were said, or happened, when I thought he was sober. And I know my attitudes and actions seemed hurtful and bewildering to my husband, because he had forgotten things that would have made sense of my behaviours. This is absolutely true. One of the things that I think may be difficult to understand if you have not been around someone who regularly got blackout drunk or if you have not been someone who regularly got blackout drunk is how much it affects your brain.
It can do very strange things to it. It can cause you to not be able to create long-term memories of certain periods of time—periods of time where you seemed to be entirely lucid. It can also cause you to remember the words and actions of a particular interaction but to forget the emotional underpinnings.
It can erase memories that had previously been indelible. My step father was initially a positive influence in my life, and loved as a parent. As his drinking became worse, he became progressively more abusive. By the time I was a teenager it was survival mode for me. Avoiding my home as much as possible kept me sane and alive. Her Mom and Husband are being flamingly awful people, though. When I was still with my most recent ex, who was dating other people, I asked that he not date anyone in my family, on my dissertation committee, or in the class I was teaching.
There was still a world of people remaining. It gets so much worse than described here…but my point is that people really do experience soap opera worthy plot lines in their own lives. LW, I agree with CA…you need to let your marriage and your relationship with your mom go and take care of yourself! Please take care of yourself and do what you are able to change that. Take yourself away from people who hurt you and break your trust. When you feel ready to, seek some help to reduce your dependence on alcohol.
Find some means to support yourself and some supportive and nice people to surround yourself with. That you value relationships that revolve around long talks, and not spending every night in bars.
Actually, to me anyway, it sounds almost as if the husband wrote this. It feels more likely somebody out to make polyamourists seem as awful on both sides. I got the same vibe for the same reasons. The level of self-hatred and denial in this letter seem pretty consistent for someone who is in a very self-delusional phase of addiction.
Before I managed to extricate myself from my shitty abusive parents I described myself in similarly awful language all the time.
That was more how I read it—suppressed anger, hatred, self-loathing. Assuming the wife did indeed write this, one small piece of advice—stop saying these things. LW, whatever is going on, you are in pain. Try to avoid negative self-talk; no need to hurt yourself more. Granted I read a lot of dubious story ideas so am biased, but this sounds exactly like them. Oh, LW, I am so sorry, but, I think that marriage is dead. Please take care of yourself.
I highly recommend living in your own space for a bit. Choose it yourself and make it yours. You deserve a space that you control.
I also highly recommend a therapist to talk things over with. Get this stuff out of your head and talk it over with a professional so the space in your head is also yours and belongs to you. LW, a therapist is a good place to start, a healthy place to vent these feelings and start trying to find some solutions that will help you claw your way out of the pit. I wish you well, and I hope that you can build a happier and healthier life.
Second on the suggestion to get your own space, LW. Not with another lover, someplace, however small, that is under your control, for you. I had exactly the opposite reaction: Not to tell you how to run your website, Cap, but LW or someone who lifted her letter and reposted it, who knows? Thanks for the warning.
I gave into curiosity and went over to Reddit. The comments are actually not that bad — I was expecting some really nasty stuff, but for the most part they were shorter, less compassionate versions of what you said, CA. The top comment when I just checked was compassionate and also advised against revenge. But I did see the LW posting — she said that she did end up confronting her mother and husband last night? As always, thank you for your advice, CA. I think you do a great job keeping things balanced and in perspective.
When they arrive, they post these rants on every board and thread, over and over, until they get banned; every now and then they find a way back again. It was kind of a relief to find out the stories posted at length under the various handles were fabricated. This is an hugely upsetful thing. I really hope you can get maybe some counseling? Because this is an incredibly painful thing and you need someone to talk to who is trained to help you grieve.
Please, please, please be safe and take care of yourself. And stay off Reddit, if you can. LW, please stop saying mean things about your body. I struggle with self compassion A LOT. It is so hard. You want to take better care of your body? Start by acknowledging that your body deserves being taken care of.
I needed this for myself really badly. You can come out of this! LW, please free yourself from wanting the good opinion of people who decided to be mind-blowing assholes.
Granted, they were much younger right out of university and the mother had just gotten divorced, but there should pretty much never be an excuse for this.
It was awkward for a year or two all around. Once the ex-boyfriend was an ex to both, my friend and her mother have been able to rebuild their relationship. I hope you can prioritize getting away from this junkiness and getting to know yourself. Please grasp whatever time and space you can to process this. You definitely need to stop stalking them, as you called it, LW.
I agree with Captain that you should just get it all out in the open. Oh, LW, this is so messed up, the only part of this triangle you control is your side; I hope you can cleanly and openly remove yourself.
There are many ways you can do this. Good luck to you! It is, rather, a way of thinking, and continues long after you have stopped drinking.
It is a voice in the head: I certainly see it that way: I care about your continuing to live. I hope you find help. I hope it comes soon. It seems like you kind of left your marriage by degrees, or at least, shoved it to the back burner, and your husband decided to force your hand, as it were. Your marriage is over. LW, as the Captain said, take care of yourself.
You are at a crossroads. You can let this push you further down into a bottle, or you start fresh, clear away the ashes, and build a new life for yourself. Best of luck to you.
This is what gave me red flags too. The heavily implied drinking and driving needs to stop ASAP, and also the stalking. They are frightening and dangerous. Because two narcissists in a relationship without an outside target will either devolve and split quickly or try to kill each other, I would think.
Untangling the relationship between trauma, abuse and addiction and figuring out where to put blame and responsibility is super mega hard.
No one chooses to be an addict; pretty much by definition addiction is a set of maladaptive damaging, undesirable behaviors. And if the mom is 54 and the LW is 34, that means she was born when Mom was nineteen or twenty.
Fortunately, I was old enough that I had moved out and was mostly able to avoid her. When HER youngest daughter got to be about 14 or so, she transferred her jealousy to her own daughter. So I can confirm that this is indeed a thing that happens. You are incredibly strong and resilient.
Jedi hugs to you if you want them. I think the internet is amazing. I have to agree with Cumshitter and I also hope that you find peace in yourself and your heart and your life. LW, please take care of yourself and get a good divorce lawyer, one who understands open marriage. I want to see the space opera version of this where at least one of these characters is interplanetary royalty, at least one of them has a huge space fleet, and all of them are fictional.
Already linked my sci fi author friend to this post and made the suggestion. Irrespective of whether or not her husband was bonking her mother, she left and moved in with someone else. Please, take care of YOU. You are in pain, a lot, and I think you have been in pain for a long time. Now two people you should be able to trust are behaving like assholes. The hardest thing to do can be to walk away from a wrecked relationship. One wants to try again, one wants to fix it, one wants to confront the asshole causing pain, one wants both justice and revenge.
Walking away, leaving him and her and I think eventually the lover who is now tangled up with those relationships, unless he is willing and able to be a solid and loving rock to support you, might be the best thing you can do. The captain is right that the marriage is over. Divorce your husband, who is your ex-husband in everything but the law. Stay away from your mother and stop all contact with her, including indirect.
They are not good for you. They are actively bad. And, if you can, move. So I say, move. OK, I think we all had a bit of a cultural misunderstanding. It was Sunday lunch at restaurant. Still though, Captain is right.
They could have dated anybody and they picked each other. Not good whether it was a set-up or not. LW, i know these feels. But, see if, instead of focusing on them, focus on treating your addiction and whatever is driving that. He made a mistake by being passive instead of saying what was on his mind — likely that he wanted out of the marriage.
But my point is, it sounds as if this marriage has been over for a long time. They have been separated for 8 months. And, yeah, he should have said something to officially end the relationship before sleeping with her mother. If LW was my friend, my encouragement would be to grieve, and yes, that can include being furious at the mother and husband if she needs to. But I would encourage her to see that the marriage has been over for a long time, and to focus on herself, rather than on him.
Learning to practice self care — loving herself, and seeking treatment for her drinking problem — may be a good place for her to start.
Rather than comparing herself negatively to her mother or other women. I would encourage her not to try to have a relationship with this husband, because I believe it would just be a distraction from her relationship with herself. Please take care of yourself and learn to be kind to yourself. I know it can sound vague and ambiguous when I say that, but that self love is something tangible you can find again, and there are resources out there which can help you find it.
LW, I think you need to let your husband go and start planning your divorce. Even if your husband ended things with your mother tomorrow and came begging on his knees for you to leave your boyfriend and come back to him and have everything go back to the way it used to be, can you really see yourself enjoying long walks and nice dinners with him, let alone sex, after everything that has happened?
The captain has a good point about the fact that he could have had a relationship with any number of women, including older women, and yet specifically chose your mother. You are better off without him. It also sounds, from your description, that you drink through the day and are almost never not drinking.
You sound like your health and safety are at risk. Alcohol might have been a decent anthropomorphized-beverage to hang out with once, you may have had some great times together, but now Alcohol is isolating you from others, monopolizing your time, trying to control you, and hurting you. Make Alcohol a small-doses friend you only see at parties, mom-free oh dear god family get-togethers, or dinners with mutual acquaintances.
But if he has his own problems with alcohol, the two of you may not be healthy partners for one another right now, even with the best of intentions. This comment is beautiful, oh my God. Addonizio and Laux have taught tons of classes and stuff together, and are some of the most phenomenal poets to ever exist.
And thus purchased through said library.
Iamges: my friend is dating my secret crush
At first he sent a message to my friend that he liked me, but I never replied.
Showing up together where you were known to be to get some kind of closure was cowardly.
Because this is an incredibly my friend is dating my secret crush thing and you need someone to talk to who is trained to help you grieve. First taste of cum! LW, please take care of yourself. She ask me to do her mom, she was classic looking mom by then. I agree with this sentiment. These people do not deserve your emotional energy — you need that for yourself.
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